The past shall lay in the past, unless... you're me

I have something horribly bothering me lately. But I can't be 100% sure where to start. I mean I do know where to start, but can I do it without making a fool out of myself? Can I do it without losing any friends in the process? Can I do it without hurting those closest to me? Who is left anyway...

This past week has been a roller coaster. From emotions (and a blog post I never did end up posting, it's still in my drafts on Blogger) to my whole life trying to come full circle. In the past 8 days I have gone from being depressed and feeling that I at least belonged somewhere and with someone, to being madly... well just mad... not like angry mad, but lost my mind mad... like Mad Hatter mad. I literally lost my whole goal in life, or maybe it wasn't my goal but rather my logical direction. Yeah... logical direction......

Well that sounded good when I typed it anyway. So here it is, 20 minutes til noon as I type this, and think about what I typed on my Facebook wall. I think back to the days of Open Diary, LiveJournal, and MySpace blog posts, and think about what I used to talk about, as I shouted into the ether of the internet, in hopes that someone would listen, and someone would actually have some good advice for me, or maybe, just maybe, the one person I mentioned or eluded to in my blog post, would actually read it and contact me saying "hey, I read your post..." Well it rarely ever happens that way... But I'm gonna do it anyway.

Last week or maybe 2 weeks ago now, I started getting the itch to go out to the clubs again. Maybe it was me listening to music from my past. Maybe it wasn't. Who knows. I just know that I had this real hardcore desire to go to a nightclub, take off my shirt, and "Dance in the Dark". For hours... maybe have a drink or 2. Jump into a giant ball of foam. I don't know, just something to relive the thumping, vibrating, pulsing heartbeat that is the dance club scene.

When I was 16 I met people online mostly, because none of my friends in school could relate to me being gay. I met these guys, roommates, Tony and Mike. They ended up taking me to the Interbelt Nite Club in Akron, Ohio. Yeah, fun times there... I really had a blast the few times I went. And eventually, upon my 18th birthday in 2004, that became one of my primary hangouts. I even had 2 or 3 years of VIP membership. Yep, pays to know the right people (and date a stripper).

So that covers my love for the clubs, and why I started wanting to go back. Sort of. Last week I also found myself on the Interbelt's website, and dug through photo archives, and found a bunch of photos of me and my ex, Anthony, when we would go out for special parties at the Interbelt. White party, Mardi Gras. It was all coming back to me, with more and more force. That thumping of the wall of speakers, where I'd dance right up near them, I could feel it in my bones. I wanted so badly to just go back. In addition, my friend Daniel, whom I hadn't talked to in 4 years, reappeared out of nowhere. He had sent me a message online, asking how I was. I became rather excited to catch back up with him. When I was 16, I lost my virginity to his boyfriend at the time, Rick, with Daniel right there. (I don't want to hear a single person critique that! I was a 16 year old, I needed to make my sexual expression!) So we had really lost touch, largely due to their relationship, and living in the greater Akron area, whereas I was 40 minutes or so away in Youngstown. I noticed in the Interbelt photo archive hunt that there were a few nights we were there at the same time. Ah, memories...

Well as I continued my ongoing week of reliving old memories, I found images on the Interbelt website from December 23, 2006. On that night, I was with Anthony and Bryan. I eventually ended up dating Bryan briefly, even after we had first met in the same time period in 2004 and nearly dated back then. It was then that I decided to check on Facebook for Bryan, and found him, and decided to add him. A matter of only a few days later, Bryan called me from Arizona, to say hello, and catch up after 4 years of losing contact. We spent 2 and a half hours on the phone one night, and 2 and a half hours again 2 nights later. It was great to reconnect and see where each other is and how we're doing.

But that wasn't all. A couple months ago, my ex John let me know that he found old pictures in his email from my senior prom. Senior prom in 2004 was so important for me. At the time, I was seeing an amazing guy, named Adam, and we shared some good times together. He was 20, I was 17, and looking back at that time of my life, I barely remember most of my day-to-day activities. I know that when I finally decided I was taking Adam to prom, it was the most important night of my high school career, and probably my life up to that point. My high school wasn't exactly a forward-thinking school, and since prom tickets were distributed as per-couple, it was $55 a couple. My best friend at the time, Angel, and her younger sister, both wanted to go to prom, so we decided (since it was Junior-Senior only with a date of any class level) that Angel would take Adam, and I would take her sister. After our entry through the door, and taking the Breathalyzer (yeah, they were that strict that year), we swapped dates, and entered the beauty of Shanghai Nights. I believe there were 400 students in attendance that night, but I could never be sure. The looks were rather irritating, but we still had fun. As that night keeps coming back to me slowly, I remember the fact that even my grandmother supported me taking Adam. She even let him spend the night that night, and let him have my father's bedroom. That night was such a wonderful night, the dancing, the food, the friends, just us, together, at prom. The photos that I took were few, but were still great to have. We looked so amazing that night, and ended it all with an amazing chance to sit and talk. That night, almost regrettably now, he and I got caught in the moment, and it ended up being a special night for us, especially for him. So special, he freaked out and left the next morning, and we ended up in a dissolved relationship. Did I push too hard?

Well, today, out of complete irony, I noticed that Adam had posted on his Facebook that he got a snow day off school for the ice. I figured I'd send him an IM and ask how he's loving the weather. We chatted for a while, and touched on all the subjects that I really shouldn't have brought up. It's been 6 years, it's all over, what closure was to be made? Well, he said he admits we did have good times together. He admitted that he freaked out because he was a virgin up til my prom. He helped me really put the cork in the bottle and close that chapter of my life.

But.... part of me really wishes that part of my life never closed. He's moved on, as he should have, and so should I. As he said earlier, don't regret anything from your past, it just ends up being a waste of time. And yeah, it definitely would become a waste of time to mull over regrets. But I was only 17, I can't really regret anything, we all make mistakes, we all learn from them. It's just one of those things... You accept and move on.

But moving on, it's really hard to do. As I look back, I never appropriately did that. John, Anthony, Steve, Bryan, and then to Michael, yeah that was a mess... a whole ton of codependency, a lot of crazy... Nothing good was going on in my head during any of those times. My own mental health has been a roller coaster over the many years. But one thing I learned in the middle of visiting a counselor for my codependency, was that I need to stop worrying about how I can make others' lives better, but think about myself. Most would consider that selfish, I consider it now as essential to making a happier and healthier life.

What does all this typing do to help me though? Well, sure, I shout into the ether of the internet, and it mostly gets swallowed up by other things, like the political crisis in Egypt, or the massive winter storm rolling across the country right now. But at least I get everything off my chest, and can absorb comments from others. I'll even cross-post this to Facebook (maybe) to see what I can have come from it all. Maybe someone knows something that can help me make sense, because today I did decide to make a series of wall posts after talking to Adam. Here they are, as my closing for this post.



What a crazy past I've had. Spent the last few hours regaling old tales from back in the day... Wow, there are times I really do miss things, places, and people. Has my life really come to this point? Where I miss things from the past? Where I want so badly to be that 16 or 17 year old Matthew, living in Boardman with Grandma, not a bit of responsibility? Why is my life coming to this? I know they say it's not healthy to want the past back. It's regression. It's undoing many important things that have been learned over the years. It's regrets that should never be regretted. You can't get certain experiences to be relived, but I want to so badly. Is it Michael? Or Anthony? Or John? Or Larry? Or is it just Dad. I miss you, daddy. Gonna be 12 years this year. Some days I want you back here... I know in my heart, it's not just Dad. He comes up now and then, and High School would never have been the same if he were alive. But I know who it is. I know where HE is. But when the times have come to me being lost in where I am, and who I am, I have no one to turn to. I barely know HIM. I need to give HIM up. HE's like a drug. But WHY?! Is it that old high school infatuation and obsession coming back? There's a few people who've been in HIS place, they're friends of mine on FB. They know, they've seen. I feel bad for what I did to them. I'll get thru this. I always do. But will the me of the past come back? Where did Matthew go? When he wanted badly to go by Danny? The fun, extroverted, social butterfly, absolutely spontaneous, crazy Matthew, who disappeared 5, maybe 6 years ago. He's been gone, and wants back. Did that Matthew, or Danny, go help the Hurricane Katrina victims and never come back? Sometimes I wonder if maybe that's what happened. I want to steal back my childhood, teenhood, and early 20's. But where do I steal it back from? The cigarettes? The kids from High School? My mother? The Ohio drag community? The night club owners? The bartenders? Who stole ME from me? And why? Let ME come back... I should at least thank Adam Payne for the chat earlier. Brings a little closure to at least one chapter of my storied history, albeit 6 years ago. Please don't be a stranger. You're my last connection to that part of my past.