Well maybe you should know...

... how it really feels, to be left outside alone.

I have had an awkward past 24 hours. It's kinda been sorta up and down, a lot like a roller coaster, as life always is. Like I said before, Life Is A Ride really is true.

A bit of a blow up happened on Twitter yesterday between a few people I follow. One of which I had met before and tried to maintain at least an acquaintance with, if not keep a friendship with him. It's not critical to me, I shrug it off like everything else. Many years ago I started learning that the old adage of Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Names Will Never Hurt Me is true, and some of the drama that went on yesterday was more of that. But when it involves someone who's attempting to use Social Media as a means to promote himself and his music, that's kinda crossing the line. It culminated in some name calling, though I kept a level head, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I look back on it now and realize how petty it was, but isn't everything these days?

I mean, my arguments with Michael were always petty, same with Anthony. It was almost worse with Anthony because it was stupid drama over other people we knew, and things they did. At least with Michael and I it was common, everyday normal-life things. The dishes, the clothes, whatever. But there were lots of boundaries crossed, I did things in the past 4 years I am not proud of. I'm finally coming to terms with them, and moving on from them. These past few days of being home alone have given me the chance to look over my life and myself, with help from Chad, Timmy, Mikey, Mom, and a few others. People come and go so often in life. It's the lasting friendships that I cherish and treasure the most. But a lot of those old reliable friends are gone or just in silence. Hell, I haven't talked to Devin in a while, not that he's that important any longer. He said he wanted to remain friends, and stick close. How can he do that if he never responds to texts when I want to talk to him about what's going on? I haven't got many friends, but those I have I protect, stand up for, and bend over backwards for. It's a 2 way street, if you're gonna talk the talk, then walk the walk. End of story.

I need to find a car. Bad. My finances are dwindling, and quickly. I haven't enough to get a trusty car in Pennsylvania, craigslist has nothing but broken down ones, or ones that don't pass inspection. That's not worth my time, honestly. I need to get it and take it to Ohio, flat out.

2 Hours later...

I found a car on CraigsList! Good deal, under a grand, Chevy Lumina, 2000 model. I'm gonna see it tomorrow and hopefully do everything on Tuesday or Wednesday. What a relief!

So now, it's another couple hours later (my ADD is bad, or maybe this is how I should do blog posts from now on, bit by bit throughout the day?) I played a round or 2 of Team Deathmatch on Call of Duty Black Ops with Mikey, then he had class and work. Talked to Chad for a while, helped him with a situation involving a project he was working on for a client. Good ol' Windows didn't keep the client's Internet Explorer up-to-date, so his work wasn't being shown properly, and he had to walk the client through how to update Internet Explorer. People, I beg of you, if you're not using Google Chrome, use it! You can stick with Internet Explorer if you want, just NEVER use IE6, preferably get rid of IE7 as fast as you can, and right now IE8 is in the widest use, but IE9 came out last month. The easiest way to keep it up to date is to use Windows Update, it'll install at least IE8 if you haven't already, and really you should turn on Automatic Updates, schedule for when you're not near your computer. Done. If you want to enjoy the newest Internet Explorer, or are on IE7 still and prefer to get the latest and greatest, go download it from Microsoft's Internet Explorer page. I made that link huge so that it sticks out like a sore thumb, you guys HAVE to keep these things up to date. Windows, Mac, even Linux can have zero-day exploits, and those are severe, that's when Microsoft releases its regular updates on every 2nd Tuesday of the month, and a zero-day is an unexploited, unknown exploit that can pop up on that same day or the day after, since Microsoft didn't patch it and just got finished with their cycle.

SO, moral of the story, kids. Keep your computer up-to-date!

After all that computer rant, I think I'll close this entry... Just for now. I have more things I need to write about, but that'll come with Tomorrow's post

P.S.: It's 11:28 on May 1st right now. This guy forgot about his blog and left it open in the background.

Give me credit for trying!

Mah-tee

The Time Is Now...

... The place is here. Here and now. I haven't got a large blog post planned, as it's far more imperative that I just take this opportunity to look at the "Bigger Picture".

I don't have a car. I don't have bus service. I don't have a job. I don't go to school.

Those will change as soon as humanly possible.

But most importantly...

I don't have a boyfriend. I'm single. I've been told that I'm not with Michael anymore by Michael himself. He said it many times over the past few months and years. So I began to believe it, as I said on here, and I didn't make the point clear that this is what I am okay with. I want to be free from shackles, and I basically have been. I want to be myself again. I want to be happy. That doesn't mean I'm off running to the "next best thing", but it means I'm asserting my independence, and making sure I admit it to the world. It feels good.

No, it feels great.

Thank you, Chad. You made a good point, and I won't forget it.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. And me, I'll be hitting up Netflix or Grand Theft Auto. At least until Judge Judy is on at 4.

Mah-tee

Life Is A Ride...

Indeed, life IS a ride... a roller coaster ride of emotions, experiences, feelings, people, places, things... It's an ongoing ride. And we all need to experience that ride in ways that make us positive. No, really, it's best to make the best of everything, really...

I originally rushed to a close in this post on its first draft, because I wanted Chad to have a chance to read, but I do have more that needs to come out, and now's the time. So there are new pieces you may have missed if you read the original post, I'm too damned lazy to go highlight them, and honestly there's no reason to, the post is much better and more coherent now that I finished it.

So, here I am, posting just under 24 hours after my last post. I'm inspired. I'm alone, but inspired. Today has been a ride in and of its own, with the culmination of many things happening this evening. The day started ritualistically, wake up at 10:30am, watch some Ellen Show. Lady Gaga performed Judas for the first time live. I really love her, honestly. She makes sense in this crazy world of things that don't make sense. I then proceeded on a normal day, watching The Doctors and the Channel 11 news at noon. During that time period I briefly chatted with Chad about some ideas I had come up to get a few gigs. I know plenty of people and for plenty of reasons, but have tried to maintain friendships with them in case it was necessary at some point later for whatever the reason may be. In the case of my old friend DJ Ronnie, I've always enjoyed talking to him, usually for 45 minutes at a time on the phone. He's a great friend, and I neglected mentioning him last night, due to some recent strain I placed on our friendship, the details of which are irrelevant and private. Since he is a DJ well known in the area, I figured he might get something happening for Chad to come back to Pittsburgh and perform. I also contacted my ex, Anthony, about anything in Columbus. Our hopes are high, and he will do what he can, and hopefully Chad may get the chance to sing at Columbus pride, by far the largest pridefest I've ever been to, and the most relevant. My hopes are high, because Chad's music, I can't begin to explain. He and I share beliefs on things that are absolutely important such as equality. He is a mentor, and a truly awesome person, I wish I had more words to throw out there right now, but I'm mostly speechless. He said small things tonight, like the fact I will single handedly make him famous. Haha, I can ONLY wish that were true, but I'll try my best. It was Lady Gaga's Little Monsters that really pulled for her, and brought her to the top. So long as Chad sees that vision in his eyes, and reaches for it, he'll go far. Just don't forget me, bud. I believe in you, as I'm sure others do, and I'm fully willing to back you up. Glee quote: You move me, Chad, with your lyrics. And some of the goofy things you say, haha.

Moving onward... (My first run through of this post, Chad distracted me on Facebook chat before he went to bed)

Chad did give me a sneak peek at his album he's worked so hard on, today. Even though he said I'm free to share with friends the songs, I like to feel like someone in the know, and that I don't just trust anyone, his music deserves to be properly released. Not just yet, Chaddy D, not just yet. The 4 songs he has out on his website are a good enough peek, though a song titled simply Michael touched on some sensitive subjects. It will be an amazing song when it's out for the general consumption of others, very beautifully arranged, piano featured heavily, very emotional. He's a brilliant young musician. American Idol, screw you, Chaddy D is more worthwhile. Just sayin'.

As my night continued, I did end up speaking to Mikey for a while this evening, on and off, considering he had class and other random things to do like eat dinner. And I spent a large chunk of time on the phone tonight. Considering 45 minutes on the phone with Ronnie, discussing options for Chad, as well as a good 15-20 with Poppa Keith, and nearly 3 hours if not more with another part of my past, who absolutely is essential to my future--

My mom. Mi madre.

After a disagreement last year on Facebook involving my aunts, my ex, my friend Josh, my mom and eventually me, I had to accept that I was "no longer [her] son". It was hard, it hurt, I lost a lot with my family that day, nearly lost everyone. It was all over my spending habits. Well now I'm frugal and greedy (minus some donations to Chaddy D, PLEASE GO TO HIS SITE AND DONATE SO HE CAN FINISH HIS ALBUM! /end promo). But most importantly, I grew up a lot more. I learned a lot from my mistakes. And it's finally time to realize some dreams. So mom and I talked for 3 hours, about anything and everything. I walked her through fixing her Facebook. I've talked to her continually still on Facebook even as I typed this entry the first time. And a certain Chaddy D who wanted to see what I had to say, so I made sure to finish off the main points in my blog post. But now I'd delve into more.

We hit on subjects such as my sister, Caitlin, which mommy wanted some information on why I took special interest in her, and what we were doing. She has apparently been up late hours, making it next to impossible to wake in the morning. I knew she used to do that all the time, but nowadays she hasn't even signed in to join with the rest of us on Black Ops. My brother Patrick spends every evening on Black Ops, however, which is another tale of its own. But Caitlin has been up late, making her father angry. Through cell phone records, mommy and I found the source, and we talked it out with him. There was no mal-intent, he warned Caitlin before about making sure she got sleep for school in the morning. But poor Timmy, he was afraid to be part of the Forbidden Group, like Mikey and I were.

I did make mom aware that Mikey and I are friends, and he's not the same guy anymore, he's grown up a bit. He's a good kid. He may be 18, but he's far wiser and mature than anyone would think. If he comes to Pittsburgh like we talked about before, he would be a great guy to chill with no matter where.

So then mom and I touched on my situation with Michael. Not like there's a whole lot to say. She said I should contemplate what I need to do. If Pittsburgh isn't right, there's a whole rest of the world out there. As true as that is, I need to find somewhere that is healthy, and stable, so that I can move onward and upward with my life. We talked about school, and she wants me to go back so bad, and so do I. But I did point out that school does require me to have a stable homestead before I can really concentrate. She also pointed out my selection of classes in 2009 were a bad idea, due to the lack of human interaction. Online courses... and one in a room that was supposed to have 10, but only had 4. A ton of homework was issued, and the class was scheduled to only meet 8 times. Of which, only 7 were held I believe. So hopefully this schooling thing can work itself out in the future. It really doesn't matter where I go, I need my first 2 yrs of gen ed courses to get out of the way. I really don't want to leave my home, it's my home and I love it here. But unless I find transportation, I'm in trouble. Mom told me that she understands the situation, and I do really need a job or to go back to school to be stable. But I do have at least one thing I can admit; I love myself. Not in the narcissistic way, but I've come to really love who I am. It's brought some peace and happiness to me tonight.

The best lesson learned though, was that I missed my mommy. I missed her not just for the past year, but when she was unhappy with her soon-to-be ex-husband Randy. She's back to mommy again. And I cry just thinking about how happy I am for her.

I love you, Mom. Really, go listen to Spice Girls - Mama, that sums it up!

I feel that such a wonderful thing has happened today, from mom, to Chad and my realization of how much I love his music, his message, to coming to much better terms with myself and who I am. It's all just so wonderful.

But I did get some bad news today, from Michael, after suggesting he donates a few dollars to Chad so he can finish his album. Michael decided to say no, and got rude with me about it when I admitted that I donated to Chad. His last words to me via text this afternoon were first "Well go marry him ...Waist ur money on garbage... I'm moving out and shutting everything off". Did that hurt? Yes, at first it did. I immediately messaged my sister about it, and she helped me calm down a bit. Chad helped some more. But I really am becoming indifferent. The feelings of hatred and pain are gone, the sticks and stones may break my bones but now his words will no longer hurt me. I, to borrow lyrics from Chad, am the human link. I speak what I think, I control my own destiny, no one is ahead of me. Check that song, also on his website.

I want everyone who reads this to take just 5 minutes of your time and think about how Life Is A Ride. Because "I want you to ride with me", and visit his Lyrics page and look to the right, select Life Is A Ride, and listen to it, following the lyrics on the page. It's an amazing song. It's a fun song, almost in the Just Dance spirit that Lady Gaga showed off in 2008. These days, an uplifting song like that is what we need. But fear not, his other songs are just as wonderful, too. I hope you guys can believe in him and his lyrics too.

So on that note, Blogger, I'm done for the night. After plenty of editing the original post which was up at 3:39am, it's now 5:02am and this post has nearly double the content! And I definitely started having my eyes shut on me while I typed and continued typing whatever ran through my mind. I have much more on that mind, but some things are meant to be private, especially some emotions. And those are for me to keep to myself and maybe one other person, but that all depends on who that person may be. It's really time to go now, though, kids.

Thank you guys for listening. I love you.

Mah-tee

Born. This. Way.

So Android has a Blogger app now, and I've had it for a bit, but didn't bother trying to post. So, now's my chance, while I lay on the couch with a major migraine.

In all seriousness, though, some things have been on my mind lately. Those uninformed, Michael and I have hit some tough spots in the past 4 years. The final "nail in the coffin" so to speak is when that 4 year anniversary just kinda comes and goes, and neither of the 2 of us acknowledge it. Once that happened, it kinda confirmed for me its time for us to work on our own individual lives.

Michael said he works a lot, and has no time for a boyfriend. Which is true, I rarely see him as it is. So I guess its an amicable 'stalemate' sorta? I don't know how best to describe it. We have been going on separate paths for a long time now. I've abstained from sex with him or otherwise, for the most part. I did meet someone almost a month ago, younger than me, and I did let my guard down, and let him in. I ended up getting hurt, which sucks, but I guess there's not much that can be said. I kinda don't want to relive it, but he does still want to stay friends. But whatever. I don't have time to wait for people forever.

I, however, also had a blast from the past. Now, no one that reads my Blogger knew me in my Junior year of high school, 2002-03. I was a huge ball of emotional mess back then. I dug through old entries now even.

In the early summer/late spring of 03, a year after I met and dated my first boyfriend Larry, I met Shane. We dated briefly, and I didn't even put much on my LiveJournal (I checked, naturally, reliving the past again). I started to go back to that 16 year old boy just reading those, but we split, on rather bad terms, I didn't bring him up much. Fast forward to the past 2 weeks, where I did get to catch up with (a very hesitant) Shane. He is so grown up now. And the sad part, I posted something in LiveJournal I'm going to repost here, its truly how I felt then, and even to a small extent now:

May 14th, 2003
Oh, and i'm not leaving Shane behind. Shane's still an important person. I hope he knows that. He's like, supposedly moving to Mt. Washington, in Pittsburgh =\. I can't handle ANOTHER long-distance relationship. But i really care about Shane. I don't want to sound TOO optimistic, but i really hope sumthing comes of us. But knowing my chances, he'll find sum1 else. He wants to live his life down in the Allegheny/Beaver county area, and well, if it doesn't include me, then i understand.

Wow. 8 years later and what a difference. I'm not delving into his personal life, but he is in a very good spot in his life now. That's how I should leave it.

A mouse just emerged from under my basement door. Lovely. How the hell are they getting back in, I thought we fixed that 3 years ago? Damn mice.

Anyway, so I can check off Shane, Michael and the short lived Devin interest. But looking back, I see a lot of MY mistakes as a 16 year old kid. Some of which Devin was repeating. It was a disaster from the beginning, just waiting to happen. But we learn from these mistakes, right?

I recently got started talking deeply with quite a few people.

At the end of February I received tax money, and bought a year's worth of Xbox Live. I figured why not, Michael plays Call of Duty a lot, I might as well join in the fun. After a week or so I deliberated about getting my own Xbox. Well, I picked up a 250GB Xbox 360 Slim model, the new ones. I'm so happy. I bought Call of Duty Black Ops, and the first map pack, as well as Tomb Raider Legend and Anniversay, and finally completed Tomb Raider Underworld. Then I picked up Fallout 3 and played through a large portion of it. Now, Grand Theft Auto IV has been my muse, I bought the downloadable version and both episodes, so that Michael and I can play multiplayer together when he does have days off.

But the interesting part was Call of Duty. I got into multiplayer heavily, thanks to my 15 year old sister Caitlin, and my 13 year old brother Patrick. I started playing with our old roommate's brother, Timmy, and his cousins, eventually befriending a lot of them. Timmy loves bacon, and we made up the BACN clan tag for all of us to show with pride. Caitlin introduced some new guys she knew in, one of which was Mikey.

Now, Mikey and Timmy have become my best friends. We play Black Ops MP and Zombies together almost every day (when I'm not sucked into GTA IV), and I've confided in them for everything. Timmy worries because Michael doesn't treat me right, he got upset because Devin's actions caused me to have a bout of depression, and Mikey even was putting me in check if I got over the top. These guys, straight as they are, are my best friends. I'm so glad to have them, even if Mikey is clear in Arkansas, and Timmy has a busy life and just wants to unwind not walk the 45 minutes to come chill and play Xbox. His brother Brandon still pops in every now and then, as recent as last night even. But they are there for me, more than my gay friends ever were most of the time. Josh and Chris are still my best gay friends, and I still talk to them about what's going on when they have free time. Devin and I still talk as friends, and he's still a great person to talk to, so I can't discount him.

Oddly, though, I have a blossoming friendship from across state happening right now. Chad. We met randomly on Twitter or Facebook after I got my Chrome notebook from Google, because he was jealous. He showed me his music video he made in an attempt to get Google to send him one. I wonder if I have anyone I can talk to that might make that happen for him...

Anyway, the past two days I kinda just gushed to him a lot of what's been going on, and he knows I appreciate it, and will listen when he needs to vent (as he did earlier). He used to live in Pittsburgh for post secondary education, and he has a group of people he knows back here that we have in common. Its rather eerie, actually. But regardless, he did want to ponder over my blog entries, possibly even my journal entries from long years past. I admit, I don't post much anymore, maybe now is the time? Stop bottling things up, or gushing them to people who do care and only getting one or two opinions.

I'm still battling with codependency, as the Devin situation proved to me. I want to help people, yet I can't help myself. It sucks. I need to fix it. But there's no medication, there's no healthcare other than self-correction. I have my selfhelp audiobook, Codependent No More, and I do listen to chapters every now and then. But its a matter of gaining solid footing on the shaky ground that is life. I need a mentor, a life coach. But that's not such an easy thing to find. My friends are amazing, and a great help. But sometimes they can be enablers. Michael told me to marry Devin. Timmy told me to "husband him up". That just made things worse, I know it. I should have known it then. But I'm gonna be 25 this summer. I have been in 2 long term relationships since I turned 18. The desire for someone to hold next to me when I go to bed at night is at its highest. I fell very, VERY alone. Even with my dog curled up next to me. I can't sleep because I'm home alone. Michael got a hotel room since he's working 30 hours in 2 days. At least when he's home I feel safer.

I still don't have a car, though I have just under $1000 I can put on one in Ohio if I ever get there. That will make my life that much easier to live. But first I have to get to Ohio. Volunteers?

It's 4:21am, I have Mr Lonely from Deborah Cox blasting on my Xbox, maybe its time for bed. Maybe things will be much clearer in the morning. I sure hope so.

I want to wish everyone a good night, and I will see the Blogger world more often, I hope.

Matty, Mah-tee, Matt, Matthew (whatever you know me by) ;-)