Born. This. Way.

So Android has a Blogger app now, and I've had it for a bit, but didn't bother trying to post. So, now's my chance, while I lay on the couch with a major migraine.

In all seriousness, though, some things have been on my mind lately. Those uninformed, Michael and I have hit some tough spots in the past 4 years. The final "nail in the coffin" so to speak is when that 4 year anniversary just kinda comes and goes, and neither of the 2 of us acknowledge it. Once that happened, it kinda confirmed for me its time for us to work on our own individual lives.

Michael said he works a lot, and has no time for a boyfriend. Which is true, I rarely see him as it is. So I guess its an amicable 'stalemate' sorta? I don't know how best to describe it. We have been going on separate paths for a long time now. I've abstained from sex with him or otherwise, for the most part. I did meet someone almost a month ago, younger than me, and I did let my guard down, and let him in. I ended up getting hurt, which sucks, but I guess there's not much that can be said. I kinda don't want to relive it, but he does still want to stay friends. But whatever. I don't have time to wait for people forever.

I, however, also had a blast from the past. Now, no one that reads my Blogger knew me in my Junior year of high school, 2002-03. I was a huge ball of emotional mess back then. I dug through old entries now even.

In the early summer/late spring of 03, a year after I met and dated my first boyfriend Larry, I met Shane. We dated briefly, and I didn't even put much on my LiveJournal (I checked, naturally, reliving the past again). I started to go back to that 16 year old boy just reading those, but we split, on rather bad terms, I didn't bring him up much. Fast forward to the past 2 weeks, where I did get to catch up with (a very hesitant) Shane. He is so grown up now. And the sad part, I posted something in LiveJournal I'm going to repost here, its truly how I felt then, and even to a small extent now:

May 14th, 2003
Oh, and i'm not leaving Shane behind. Shane's still an important person. I hope he knows that. He's like, supposedly moving to Mt. Washington, in Pittsburgh =\. I can't handle ANOTHER long-distance relationship. But i really care about Shane. I don't want to sound TOO optimistic, but i really hope sumthing comes of us. But knowing my chances, he'll find sum1 else. He wants to live his life down in the Allegheny/Beaver county area, and well, if it doesn't include me, then i understand.

Wow. 8 years later and what a difference. I'm not delving into his personal life, but he is in a very good spot in his life now. That's how I should leave it.

A mouse just emerged from under my basement door. Lovely. How the hell are they getting back in, I thought we fixed that 3 years ago? Damn mice.

Anyway, so I can check off Shane, Michael and the short lived Devin interest. But looking back, I see a lot of MY mistakes as a 16 year old kid. Some of which Devin was repeating. It was a disaster from the beginning, just waiting to happen. But we learn from these mistakes, right?

I recently got started talking deeply with quite a few people.

At the end of February I received tax money, and bought a year's worth of Xbox Live. I figured why not, Michael plays Call of Duty a lot, I might as well join in the fun. After a week or so I deliberated about getting my own Xbox. Well, I picked up a 250GB Xbox 360 Slim model, the new ones. I'm so happy. I bought Call of Duty Black Ops, and the first map pack, as well as Tomb Raider Legend and Anniversay, and finally completed Tomb Raider Underworld. Then I picked up Fallout 3 and played through a large portion of it. Now, Grand Theft Auto IV has been my muse, I bought the downloadable version and both episodes, so that Michael and I can play multiplayer together when he does have days off.

But the interesting part was Call of Duty. I got into multiplayer heavily, thanks to my 15 year old sister Caitlin, and my 13 year old brother Patrick. I started playing with our old roommate's brother, Timmy, and his cousins, eventually befriending a lot of them. Timmy loves bacon, and we made up the BACN clan tag for all of us to show with pride. Caitlin introduced some new guys she knew in, one of which was Mikey.

Now, Mikey and Timmy have become my best friends. We play Black Ops MP and Zombies together almost every day (when I'm not sucked into GTA IV), and I've confided in them for everything. Timmy worries because Michael doesn't treat me right, he got upset because Devin's actions caused me to have a bout of depression, and Mikey even was putting me in check if I got over the top. These guys, straight as they are, are my best friends. I'm so glad to have them, even if Mikey is clear in Arkansas, and Timmy has a busy life and just wants to unwind not walk the 45 minutes to come chill and play Xbox. His brother Brandon still pops in every now and then, as recent as last night even. But they are there for me, more than my gay friends ever were most of the time. Josh and Chris are still my best gay friends, and I still talk to them about what's going on when they have free time. Devin and I still talk as friends, and he's still a great person to talk to, so I can't discount him.

Oddly, though, I have a blossoming friendship from across state happening right now. Chad. We met randomly on Twitter or Facebook after I got my Chrome notebook from Google, because he was jealous. He showed me his music video he made in an attempt to get Google to send him one. I wonder if I have anyone I can talk to that might make that happen for him...

Anyway, the past two days I kinda just gushed to him a lot of what's been going on, and he knows I appreciate it, and will listen when he needs to vent (as he did earlier). He used to live in Pittsburgh for post secondary education, and he has a group of people he knows back here that we have in common. Its rather eerie, actually. But regardless, he did want to ponder over my blog entries, possibly even my journal entries from long years past. I admit, I don't post much anymore, maybe now is the time? Stop bottling things up, or gushing them to people who do care and only getting one or two opinions.

I'm still battling with codependency, as the Devin situation proved to me. I want to help people, yet I can't help myself. It sucks. I need to fix it. But there's no medication, there's no healthcare other than self-correction. I have my selfhelp audiobook, Codependent No More, and I do listen to chapters every now and then. But its a matter of gaining solid footing on the shaky ground that is life. I need a mentor, a life coach. But that's not such an easy thing to find. My friends are amazing, and a great help. But sometimes they can be enablers. Michael told me to marry Devin. Timmy told me to "husband him up". That just made things worse, I know it. I should have known it then. But I'm gonna be 25 this summer. I have been in 2 long term relationships since I turned 18. The desire for someone to hold next to me when I go to bed at night is at its highest. I fell very, VERY alone. Even with my dog curled up next to me. I can't sleep because I'm home alone. Michael got a hotel room since he's working 30 hours in 2 days. At least when he's home I feel safer.

I still don't have a car, though I have just under $1000 I can put on one in Ohio if I ever get there. That will make my life that much easier to live. But first I have to get to Ohio. Volunteers?

It's 4:21am, I have Mr Lonely from Deborah Cox blasting on my Xbox, maybe its time for bed. Maybe things will be much clearer in the morning. I sure hope so.

I want to wish everyone a good night, and I will see the Blogger world more often, I hope.

Matty, Mah-tee, Matt, Matthew (whatever you know me by) ;-)