Okay, so I'm not going to make this organized in any right, because I'm just a little irate...
I was reading a new Gay news blog I ran across, UnicornBooty.com, and saw this little gem:
http://unicornbooty.com/2011/07/bigot-resigns-from-job-rather-than-sign-gay-marriage-licenses/
That's right, a town clerk in New York state decided to resign because she didn't want to sign gay marriage licenses. I dug further into the story, and it lead me to THIS site, which is where she posted a comment I guess or something...
http://www.nycf.info/component/content/article/37-home/403-first-town-clerk-announces-resignation-in-light-of-gay-qmarriageq-legislation
Okay, so I'm reading that site, and on the right hand side, there's a ticker of how many abortions have happened thus far in 2011 in NY, and how much tax-payer's dollars have paid Planned Parenthood thus far in 2011.
HOLD UP!
Abortion is such a hot topic issue. My mother would have possibly aborted me, due to how she was not ready in her life yet to have me. And the odd part is, we have SUCH a divided nation, based on this belief that we are "ending a life". Now, keep in mind, we're basing that on looking INTO THE FUTURE...
So let's take a harder look at this, shall we?
A possible future for a baby that was unplanned. Hmm, many options here...
1) A woman is raped. She becomes pregnant. Should she give birth to this child who she had no plans for, and didn't want? To a father who CLEARLY will not be providing support, he just committed a crime! He may be found, caught, and go to jail... Then he REALLY won't be available to sue for child support, eh?
2) A woman gets pregnant with her "boyfriend" at the time, maybe cheating on her REAL boyfriend (or husband or what have you). She has that child, and maybe by then the REAL boyfriend found out what she was doing and dumped her. Oops, now this kid is born, has no daddy, and a mommy that can't take care of him, or maybe didn't want him. Sure, I can take a Springer/Maury view on this and say "SHOULN'T HAVE SPREAD YOUR LEGS, HO!" but that's not going to solve the issue. There's still a child being born into a life of poverty.
3) Then there's the ever so random woman that goes "I'm so fucked up on drugs, I don't know what I'm doing" and she got pregnant with her drug dealer's kid. Drug dealer gets busted. Mom's a junkie. Kid gets born, maybe with some problems from the drugs, maybe not. Mom is CLEARLY unfit to take care of herself, let alone her kid, and the kid goes into CPS (or whatever local Childcare service, or as I call it, baby repoman). So now this kid is "in the system" as an orphan.
Now those situations go on the hypothetical assumption that abortion is unavailable cuz the conservatives got their way and abortion was made illegal... But let's take a look at situation 3.
The kid is in the system. He needs adopted. Has ANYONE taken a look at how many kids NEED to be adopted, vs how many parents are legally able/willing to adopt? Of course, people have, and the studies show that there's an overwhelming amount of kids that need parents. Well, now lets throw in gay couples... Oh, wait a second, that would easily balance out everything. But, it's illegal in MANY areas/states.
I'll admit, I haven't looked into the laws on adoption because, in all honesty, I'm not sure I'll ever have kids, but if I do, I wouldn't go the route of adoption, I think. But we're far from the time where I should be worrying about that.
So, rounding out this whole ordeal, let's make some more of the nonsense these conservatives are pushing on people...
They want to make sure women can't abort. Okay, so that makes more kids in unfit homes (drug house, poor as all hell, etc etc), or not having homes at all (orphaned). Well, those conservatives ALSO don't want gay couples to get married, and don't want them to adopt children either. So, that means they just want to overpopulate the world and make us all bankrupt for paying for these kids to be stuck in the system until they're 18? Then what, they get bullied for any of a number of reasons, some turn out to be gay and get bullied for that, and we get more "gay suicides" as a side effect? Oh look, that solved the problem in the first place! But then it becomes a tragedy, because that kid got the chance to live, and had 18 years of a "life" that may have never happened in the first place, and that's what's important. That kid may never have been born to live in that hell. But see once a kid is born, there's no going back. You can't take back everything. Once they are conceived, you need to work fast to decide if that's what you want. Because there is such a thing as "too late" when still a fetus. But it should REALLY be something that is thought about by these dumb-ass conservatives. If you're gonna make a woman carry a baby all the way through her 9 months of hell, then make sure a gay couple can adopt that baby. Now, obviously there'd be some compromise made in abortion laws, where abortion is legal if it was a rape (I can just see the reported rape cases going up and up on a chart, and the percentage of those that are false would be HUGE, I'd bet), or if having the baby would pose undue health-risks to the mother. But I'm sure there'd be ways around that, too.
In the end, I really just wish that people would get over the homophobia. We hated blacks because they were black (how baseless is that? "Your skin color is different, therefore I don't like you," WTF?), we hated women just because they were perceived to be "weaker"... Now it's hate the gays, because the gays are "weak" and don't promote family values. NEWS FLASH, CONSERVATIVES: I know a few couples who would make FANTASTIC PARENTS, and a few STRAIGHT couples that ARE parents, and they're HORRIBLE! So you tell me, how is it fair for gays not to be allowed to wed, and have kids, when straight folk can, and they do a horrible job at it? Huh?! And a gay couple that DOESN'T want kids isn't going to do much harm to the "sanctity" of marriage. They're going to live a happy life together, and that's that. They may not have children, but at least it's a way of nature doing "population control" to some extent.
/End Rant
/End post
Friday, July 15, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Well maybe you should know...
... how it really feels, to be left outside alone.
I have had an awkward past 24 hours. It's kinda been sorta up and down, a lot like a roller coaster, as life always is. Like I said before, Life Is A Ride really is true.
A bit of a blow up happened on Twitter yesterday between a few people I follow. One of which I had met before and tried to maintain at least an acquaintance with, if not keep a friendship with him. It's not critical to me, I shrug it off like everything else. Many years ago I started learning that the old adage of Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Names Will Never Hurt Me is true, and some of the drama that went on yesterday was more of that. But when it involves someone who's attempting to use Social Media as a means to promote himself and his music, that's kinda crossing the line. It culminated in some name calling, though I kept a level head, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I look back on it now and realize how petty it was, but isn't everything these days?
I mean, my arguments with Michael were always petty, same with Anthony. It was almost worse with Anthony because it was stupid drama over other people we knew, and things they did. At least with Michael and I it was common, everyday normal-life things. The dishes, the clothes, whatever. But there were lots of boundaries crossed, I did things in the past 4 years I am not proud of. I'm finally coming to terms with them, and moving on from them. These past few days of being home alone have given me the chance to look over my life and myself, with help from Chad, Timmy, Mikey, Mom, and a few others. People come and go so often in life. It's the lasting friendships that I cherish and treasure the most. But a lot of those old reliable friends are gone or just in silence. Hell, I haven't talked to Devin in a while, not that he's that important any longer. He said he wanted to remain friends, and stick close. How can he do that if he never responds to texts when I want to talk to him about what's going on? I haven't got many friends, but those I have I protect, stand up for, and bend over backwards for. It's a 2 way street, if you're gonna talk the talk, then walk the walk. End of story.
I need to find a car. Bad. My finances are dwindling, and quickly. I haven't enough to get a trusty car in Pennsylvania, craigslist has nothing but broken down ones, or ones that don't pass inspection. That's not worth my time, honestly. I need to get it and take it to Ohio, flat out.
2 Hours later...
I found a car on CraigsList! Good deal, under a grand, Chevy Lumina, 2000 model. I'm gonna see it tomorrow and hopefully do everything on Tuesday or Wednesday. What a relief!
So now, it's another couple hours later (my ADD is bad, or maybe this is how I should do blog posts from now on, bit by bit throughout the day?) I played a round or 2 of Team Deathmatch on Call of Duty Black Ops with Mikey, then he had class and work. Talked to Chad for a while, helped him with a situation involving a project he was working on for a client. Good ol' Windows didn't keep the client's Internet Explorer up-to-date, so his work wasn't being shown properly, and he had to walk the client through how to update Internet Explorer. People, I beg of you, if you're not using Google Chrome, use it! You can stick with Internet Explorer if you want, just NEVER use IE6, preferably get rid of IE7 as fast as you can, and right now IE8 is in the widest use, but IE9 came out last month. The easiest way to keep it up to date is to use Windows Update, it'll install at least IE8 if you haven't already, and really you should turn on Automatic Updates, schedule for when you're not near your computer. Done. If you want to enjoy the newest Internet Explorer, or are on IE7 still and prefer to get the latest and greatest, go download it from Microsoft's Internet Explorer page. I made that link huge so that it sticks out like a sore thumb, you guys HAVE to keep these things up to date. Windows, Mac, even Linux can have zero-day exploits, and those are severe, that's when Microsoft releases its regular updates on every 2nd Tuesday of the month, and a zero-day is an unexploited, unknown exploit that can pop up on that same day or the day after, since Microsoft didn't patch it and just got finished with their cycle.
SO, moral of the story, kids. Keep your computer up-to-date!
After all that computer rant, I think I'll close this entry... Just for now. I have more things I need to write about, but that'll come with Tomorrow's post
P.S.: It's 11:28 on May 1st right now. This guy forgot about his blog and left it open in the background.
Give me credit for trying!
Mah-tee
I have had an awkward past 24 hours. It's kinda been sorta up and down, a lot like a roller coaster, as life always is. Like I said before, Life Is A Ride really is true.
A bit of a blow up happened on Twitter yesterday between a few people I follow. One of which I had met before and tried to maintain at least an acquaintance with, if not keep a friendship with him. It's not critical to me, I shrug it off like everything else. Many years ago I started learning that the old adage of Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Names Will Never Hurt Me is true, and some of the drama that went on yesterday was more of that. But when it involves someone who's attempting to use Social Media as a means to promote himself and his music, that's kinda crossing the line. It culminated in some name calling, though I kept a level head, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I look back on it now and realize how petty it was, but isn't everything these days?
I mean, my arguments with Michael were always petty, same with Anthony. It was almost worse with Anthony because it was stupid drama over other people we knew, and things they did. At least with Michael and I it was common, everyday normal-life things. The dishes, the clothes, whatever. But there were lots of boundaries crossed, I did things in the past 4 years I am not proud of. I'm finally coming to terms with them, and moving on from them. These past few days of being home alone have given me the chance to look over my life and myself, with help from Chad, Timmy, Mikey, Mom, and a few others. People come and go so often in life. It's the lasting friendships that I cherish and treasure the most. But a lot of those old reliable friends are gone or just in silence. Hell, I haven't talked to Devin in a while, not that he's that important any longer. He said he wanted to remain friends, and stick close. How can he do that if he never responds to texts when I want to talk to him about what's going on? I haven't got many friends, but those I have I protect, stand up for, and bend over backwards for. It's a 2 way street, if you're gonna talk the talk, then walk the walk. End of story.
I need to find a car. Bad. My finances are dwindling, and quickly. I haven't enough to get a trusty car in Pennsylvania, craigslist has nothing but broken down ones, or ones that don't pass inspection. That's not worth my time, honestly. I need to get it and take it to Ohio, flat out.
2 Hours later...
I found a car on CraigsList! Good deal, under a grand, Chevy Lumina, 2000 model. I'm gonna see it tomorrow and hopefully do everything on Tuesday or Wednesday. What a relief!
So now, it's another couple hours later (my ADD is bad, or maybe this is how I should do blog posts from now on, bit by bit throughout the day?) I played a round or 2 of Team Deathmatch on Call of Duty Black Ops with Mikey, then he had class and work. Talked to Chad for a while, helped him with a situation involving a project he was working on for a client. Good ol' Windows didn't keep the client's Internet Explorer up-to-date, so his work wasn't being shown properly, and he had to walk the client through how to update Internet Explorer. People, I beg of you, if you're not using Google Chrome, use it! You can stick with Internet Explorer if you want, just NEVER use IE6, preferably get rid of IE7 as fast as you can, and right now IE8 is in the widest use, but IE9 came out last month. The easiest way to keep it up to date is to use Windows Update, it'll install at least IE8 if you haven't already, and really you should turn on Automatic Updates, schedule for when you're not near your computer. Done. If you want to enjoy the newest Internet Explorer, or are on IE7 still and prefer to get the latest and greatest, go download it from Microsoft's Internet Explorer page. I made that link huge so that it sticks out like a sore thumb, you guys HAVE to keep these things up to date. Windows, Mac, even Linux can have zero-day exploits, and those are severe, that's when Microsoft releases its regular updates on every 2nd Tuesday of the month, and a zero-day is an unexploited, unknown exploit that can pop up on that same day or the day after, since Microsoft didn't patch it and just got finished with their cycle.
SO, moral of the story, kids. Keep your computer up-to-date!
After all that computer rant, I think I'll close this entry... Just for now. I have more things I need to write about, but that'll come with Tomorrow's post
P.S.: It's 11:28 on May 1st right now. This guy forgot about his blog and left it open in the background.
Give me credit for trying!
Mah-tee
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Time Is Now...
... The place is here. Here and now. I haven't got a large blog post planned, as it's far more imperative that I just take this opportunity to look at the "Bigger Picture".
I don't have a car. I don't have bus service. I don't have a job. I don't go to school.
Those will change as soon as humanly possible.
But most importantly...
I don't have a boyfriend. I'm single. I've been told that I'm not with Michael anymore by Michael himself. He said it many times over the past few months and years. So I began to believe it, as I said on here, and I didn't make the point clear that this is what I am okay with. I want to be free from shackles, and I basically have been. I want to be myself again. I want to be happy. That doesn't mean I'm off running to the "next best thing", but it means I'm asserting my independence, and making sure I admit it to the world. It feels good.
No, it feels great.
Thank you, Chad. You made a good point, and I won't forget it.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. And me, I'll be hitting up Netflix or Grand Theft Auto. At least until Judge Judy is on at 4.
Mah-tee
I don't have a car. I don't have bus service. I don't have a job. I don't go to school.
Those will change as soon as humanly possible.
But most importantly...
I don't have a boyfriend. I'm single. I've been told that I'm not with Michael anymore by Michael himself. He said it many times over the past few months and years. So I began to believe it, as I said on here, and I didn't make the point clear that this is what I am okay with. I want to be free from shackles, and I basically have been. I want to be myself again. I want to be happy. That doesn't mean I'm off running to the "next best thing", but it means I'm asserting my independence, and making sure I admit it to the world. It feels good.
No, it feels great.
Thank you, Chad. You made a good point, and I won't forget it.
Now back to your regularly scheduled programming. And me, I'll be hitting up Netflix or Grand Theft Auto. At least until Judge Judy is on at 4.
Mah-tee
Life Is A Ride...
Indeed, life IS a ride... a roller coaster ride of emotions, experiences, feelings, people, places, things... It's an ongoing ride. And we all need to experience that ride in ways that make us positive. No, really, it's best to make the best of everything, really...
I originally rushed to a close in this post on its first draft, because I wanted Chad to have a chance to read, but I do have more that needs to come out, and now's the time. So there are new pieces you may have missed if you read the original post, I'm too damned lazy to go highlight them, and honestly there's no reason to, the post is much better and more coherent now that I finished it.
So, here I am, posting just under 24 hours after my last post. I'm inspired. I'm alone, but inspired. Today has been a ride in and of its own, with the culmination of many things happening this evening. The day started ritualistically, wake up at 10:30am, watch some Ellen Show. Lady Gaga performed Judas for the first time live. I really love her, honestly. She makes sense in this crazy world of things that don't make sense. I then proceeded on a normal day, watching The Doctors and the Channel 11 news at noon. During that time period I briefly chatted with Chad about some ideas I had come up to get a few gigs. I know plenty of people and for plenty of reasons, but have tried to maintain friendships with them in case it was necessary at some point later for whatever the reason may be. In the case of my old friend DJ Ronnie, I've always enjoyed talking to him, usually for 45 minutes at a time on the phone. He's a great friend, and I neglected mentioning him last night, due to some recent strain I placed on our friendship, the details of which are irrelevant and private. Since he is a DJ well known in the area, I figured he might get something happening for Chad to come back to Pittsburgh and perform. I also contacted my ex, Anthony, about anything in Columbus. Our hopes are high, and he will do what he can, and hopefully Chad may get the chance to sing at Columbus pride, by far the largest pridefest I've ever been to, and the most relevant. My hopes are high, because Chad's music, I can't begin to explain. He and I share beliefs on things that are absolutely important such as equality. He is a mentor, and a truly awesome person, I wish I had more words to throw out there right now, but I'm mostly speechless. He said small things tonight, like the fact I will single handedly make him famous. Haha, I can ONLY wish that were true, but I'll try my best. It was Lady Gaga's Little Monsters that really pulled for her, and brought her to the top. So long as Chad sees that vision in his eyes, and reaches for it, he'll go far. Just don't forget me, bud. I believe in you, as I'm sure others do, and I'm fully willing to back you up. Glee quote: You move me, Chad, with your lyrics. And some of the goofy things you say, haha.
Moving onward... (My first run through of this post, Chad distracted me on Facebook chat before he went to bed)
Chad did give me a sneak peek at his album he's worked so hard on, today. Even though he said I'm free to share with friends the songs, I like to feel like someone in the know, and that I don't just trust anyone, his music deserves to be properly released. Not just yet, Chaddy D, not just yet. The 4 songs he has out on his website are a good enough peek, though a song titled simply Michael touched on some sensitive subjects. It will be an amazing song when it's out for the general consumption of others, very beautifully arranged, piano featured heavily, very emotional. He's a brilliant young musician. American Idol, screw you, Chaddy D is more worthwhile. Just sayin'.
As my night continued, I did end up speaking to Mikey for a while this evening, on and off, considering he had class and other random things to do like eat dinner. And I spent a large chunk of time on the phone tonight. Considering 45 minutes on the phone with Ronnie, discussing options for Chad, as well as a good 15-20 with Poppa Keith, and nearly 3 hours if not more with another part of my past, who absolutely is essential to my future--
My mom. Mi madre.
After a disagreement last year on Facebook involving my aunts, my ex, my friend Josh, my mom and eventually me, I had to accept that I was "no longer [her] son". It was hard, it hurt, I lost a lot with my family that day, nearly lost everyone. It was all over my spending habits. Well now I'm frugal and greedy (minus some donations to Chaddy D, PLEASE GO TO HIS SITE AND DONATE SO HE CAN FINISH HIS ALBUM! /end promo). But most importantly, I grew up a lot more. I learned a lot from my mistakes. And it's finally time to realize some dreams. So mom and I talked for 3 hours, about anything and everything. I walked her through fixing her Facebook. I've talked to her continually still on Facebook even as I typed this entry the first time. And a certain Chaddy D who wanted to see what I had to say, so I made sure to finish off the main points in my blog post. But now I'd delve into more.
We hit on subjects such as my sister, Caitlin, which mommy wanted some information on why I took special interest in her, and what we were doing. She has apparently been up late hours, making it next to impossible to wake in the morning. I knew she used to do that all the time, but nowadays she hasn't even signed in to join with the rest of us on Black Ops. My brother Patrick spends every evening on Black Ops, however, which is another tale of its own. But Caitlin has been up late, making her father angry. Through cell phone records, mommy and I found the source, and we talked it out with him. There was no mal-intent, he warned Caitlin before about making sure she got sleep for school in the morning. But poor Timmy, he was afraid to be part of the Forbidden Group, like Mikey and I were.
I did make mom aware that Mikey and I are friends, and he's not the same guy anymore, he's grown up a bit. He's a good kid. He may be 18, but he's far wiser and mature than anyone would think. If he comes to Pittsburgh like we talked about before, he would be a great guy to chill with no matter where.
So then mom and I touched on my situation with Michael. Not like there's a whole lot to say. She said I should contemplate what I need to do. If Pittsburgh isn't right, there's a whole rest of the world out there. As true as that is, I need to find somewhere that is healthy, and stable, so that I can move onward and upward with my life. We talked about school, and she wants me to go back so bad, and so do I. But I did point out that school does require me to have a stable homestead before I can really concentrate. She also pointed out my selection of classes in 2009 were a bad idea, due to the lack of human interaction. Online courses... and one in a room that was supposed to have 10, but only had 4. A ton of homework was issued, and the class was scheduled to only meet 8 times. Of which, only 7 were held I believe. So hopefully this schooling thing can work itself out in the future. It really doesn't matter where I go, I need my first 2 yrs of gen ed courses to get out of the way. I really don't want to leave my home, it's my home and I love it here. But unless I find transportation, I'm in trouble. Mom told me that she understands the situation, and I do really need a job or to go back to school to be stable. But I do have at least one thing I can admit; I love myself. Not in the narcissistic way, but I've come to really love who I am. It's brought some peace and happiness to me tonight.
The best lesson learned though, was that I missed my mommy. I missed her not just for the past year, but when she was unhappy with her soon-to-be ex-husband Randy. She's back to mommy again. And I cry just thinking about how happy I am for her.
I love you, Mom. Really, go listen to Spice Girls - Mama, that sums it up!
I feel that such a wonderful thing has happened today, from mom, to Chad and my realization of how much I love his music, his message, to coming to much better terms with myself and who I am. It's all just so wonderful.
But I did get some bad news today, from Michael, after suggesting he donates a few dollars to Chad so he can finish his album. Michael decided to say no, and got rude with me about it when I admitted that I donated to Chad. His last words to me via text this afternoon were first "Well go marry him ...Waist ur money on garbage... I'm moving out and shutting everything off". Did that hurt? Yes, at first it did. I immediately messaged my sister about it, and she helped me calm down a bit. Chad helped some more. But I really am becoming indifferent. The feelings of hatred and pain are gone, the sticks and stones may break my bones but now his words will no longer hurt me. I, to borrow lyrics from Chad, am the human link. I speak what I think, I control my own destiny, no one is ahead of me. Check that song, also on his website.
I want everyone who reads this to take just 5 minutes of your time and think about how Life Is A Ride. Because "I want you to ride with me", and visit his Lyrics page and look to the right, select Life Is A Ride, and listen to it, following the lyrics on the page. It's an amazing song. It's a fun song, almost in the Just Dance spirit that Lady Gaga showed off in 2008. These days, an uplifting song like that is what we need. But fear not, his other songs are just as wonderful, too. I hope you guys can believe in him and his lyrics too.
So on that note, Blogger, I'm done for the night. After plenty of editing the original post which was up at 3:39am, it's now 5:02am and this post has nearly double the content! And I definitely started having my eyes shut on me while I typed and continued typing whatever ran through my mind. I have much more on that mind, but some things are meant to be private, especially some emotions. And those are for me to keep to myself and maybe one other person, but that all depends on who that person may be. It's really time to go now, though, kids.
Thank you guys for listening. I love you.
Mah-tee
I originally rushed to a close in this post on its first draft, because I wanted Chad to have a chance to read, but I do have more that needs to come out, and now's the time. So there are new pieces you may have missed if you read the original post, I'm too damned lazy to go highlight them, and honestly there's no reason to, the post is much better and more coherent now that I finished it.
So, here I am, posting just under 24 hours after my last post. I'm inspired. I'm alone, but inspired. Today has been a ride in and of its own, with the culmination of many things happening this evening. The day started ritualistically, wake up at 10:30am, watch some Ellen Show. Lady Gaga performed Judas for the first time live. I really love her, honestly. She makes sense in this crazy world of things that don't make sense. I then proceeded on a normal day, watching The Doctors and the Channel 11 news at noon. During that time period I briefly chatted with Chad about some ideas I had come up to get a few gigs. I know plenty of people and for plenty of reasons, but have tried to maintain friendships with them in case it was necessary at some point later for whatever the reason may be. In the case of my old friend DJ Ronnie, I've always enjoyed talking to him, usually for 45 minutes at a time on the phone. He's a great friend, and I neglected mentioning him last night, due to some recent strain I placed on our friendship, the details of which are irrelevant and private. Since he is a DJ well known in the area, I figured he might get something happening for Chad to come back to Pittsburgh and perform. I also contacted my ex, Anthony, about anything in Columbus. Our hopes are high, and he will do what he can, and hopefully Chad may get the chance to sing at Columbus pride, by far the largest pridefest I've ever been to, and the most relevant. My hopes are high, because Chad's music, I can't begin to explain. He and I share beliefs on things that are absolutely important such as equality. He is a mentor, and a truly awesome person, I wish I had more words to throw out there right now, but I'm mostly speechless. He said small things tonight, like the fact I will single handedly make him famous. Haha, I can ONLY wish that were true, but I'll try my best. It was Lady Gaga's Little Monsters that really pulled for her, and brought her to the top. So long as Chad sees that vision in his eyes, and reaches for it, he'll go far. Just don't forget me, bud. I believe in you, as I'm sure others do, and I'm fully willing to back you up. Glee quote: You move me, Chad, with your lyrics. And some of the goofy things you say, haha.
Moving onward... (My first run through of this post, Chad distracted me on Facebook chat before he went to bed)
Chad did give me a sneak peek at his album he's worked so hard on, today. Even though he said I'm free to share with friends the songs, I like to feel like someone in the know, and that I don't just trust anyone, his music deserves to be properly released. Not just yet, Chaddy D, not just yet. The 4 songs he has out on his website are a good enough peek, though a song titled simply Michael touched on some sensitive subjects. It will be an amazing song when it's out for the general consumption of others, very beautifully arranged, piano featured heavily, very emotional. He's a brilliant young musician. American Idol, screw you, Chaddy D is more worthwhile. Just sayin'.
As my night continued, I did end up speaking to Mikey for a while this evening, on and off, considering he had class and other random things to do like eat dinner. And I spent a large chunk of time on the phone tonight. Considering 45 minutes on the phone with Ronnie, discussing options for Chad, as well as a good 15-20 with Poppa Keith, and nearly 3 hours if not more with another part of my past, who absolutely is essential to my future--
My mom. Mi madre.
After a disagreement last year on Facebook involving my aunts, my ex, my friend Josh, my mom and eventually me, I had to accept that I was "no longer [her] son". It was hard, it hurt, I lost a lot with my family that day, nearly lost everyone. It was all over my spending habits. Well now I'm frugal and greedy (minus some donations to Chaddy D, PLEASE GO TO HIS SITE AND DONATE SO HE CAN FINISH HIS ALBUM! /end promo). But most importantly, I grew up a lot more. I learned a lot from my mistakes. And it's finally time to realize some dreams. So mom and I talked for 3 hours, about anything and everything. I walked her through fixing her Facebook. I've talked to her continually still on Facebook even as I typed this entry the first time. And a certain Chaddy D who wanted to see what I had to say, so I made sure to finish off the main points in my blog post. But now I'd delve into more.
We hit on subjects such as my sister, Caitlin, which mommy wanted some information on why I took special interest in her, and what we were doing. She has apparently been up late hours, making it next to impossible to wake in the morning. I knew she used to do that all the time, but nowadays she hasn't even signed in to join with the rest of us on Black Ops. My brother Patrick spends every evening on Black Ops, however, which is another tale of its own. But Caitlin has been up late, making her father angry. Through cell phone records, mommy and I found the source, and we talked it out with him. There was no mal-intent, he warned Caitlin before about making sure she got sleep for school in the morning. But poor Timmy, he was afraid to be part of the Forbidden Group, like Mikey and I were.
I did make mom aware that Mikey and I are friends, and he's not the same guy anymore, he's grown up a bit. He's a good kid. He may be 18, but he's far wiser and mature than anyone would think. If he comes to Pittsburgh like we talked about before, he would be a great guy to chill with no matter where.
So then mom and I touched on my situation with Michael. Not like there's a whole lot to say. She said I should contemplate what I need to do. If Pittsburgh isn't right, there's a whole rest of the world out there. As true as that is, I need to find somewhere that is healthy, and stable, so that I can move onward and upward with my life. We talked about school, and she wants me to go back so bad, and so do I. But I did point out that school does require me to have a stable homestead before I can really concentrate. She also pointed out my selection of classes in 2009 were a bad idea, due to the lack of human interaction. Online courses... and one in a room that was supposed to have 10, but only had 4. A ton of homework was issued, and the class was scheduled to only meet 8 times. Of which, only 7 were held I believe. So hopefully this schooling thing can work itself out in the future. It really doesn't matter where I go, I need my first 2 yrs of gen ed courses to get out of the way. I really don't want to leave my home, it's my home and I love it here. But unless I find transportation, I'm in trouble. Mom told me that she understands the situation, and I do really need a job or to go back to school to be stable. But I do have at least one thing I can admit; I love myself. Not in the narcissistic way, but I've come to really love who I am. It's brought some peace and happiness to me tonight.
The best lesson learned though, was that I missed my mommy. I missed her not just for the past year, but when she was unhappy with her soon-to-be ex-husband Randy. She's back to mommy again. And I cry just thinking about how happy I am for her.
I love you, Mom. Really, go listen to Spice Girls - Mama, that sums it up!
I feel that such a wonderful thing has happened today, from mom, to Chad and my realization of how much I love his music, his message, to coming to much better terms with myself and who I am. It's all just so wonderful.
But I did get some bad news today, from Michael, after suggesting he donates a few dollars to Chad so he can finish his album. Michael decided to say no, and got rude with me about it when I admitted that I donated to Chad. His last words to me via text this afternoon were first "Well go marry him ...Waist ur money on garbage... I'm moving out and shutting everything off". Did that hurt? Yes, at first it did. I immediately messaged my sister about it, and she helped me calm down a bit. Chad helped some more. But I really am becoming indifferent. The feelings of hatred and pain are gone, the sticks and stones may break my bones but now his words will no longer hurt me. I, to borrow lyrics from Chad, am the human link. I speak what I think, I control my own destiny, no one is ahead of me. Check that song, also on his website.
I want everyone who reads this to take just 5 minutes of your time and think about how Life Is A Ride. Because "I want you to ride with me", and visit his Lyrics page and look to the right, select Life Is A Ride, and listen to it, following the lyrics on the page. It's an amazing song. It's a fun song, almost in the Just Dance spirit that Lady Gaga showed off in 2008. These days, an uplifting song like that is what we need. But fear not, his other songs are just as wonderful, too. I hope you guys can believe in him and his lyrics too.
So on that note, Blogger, I'm done for the night. After plenty of editing the original post which was up at 3:39am, it's now 5:02am and this post has nearly double the content! And I definitely started having my eyes shut on me while I typed and continued typing whatever ran through my mind. I have much more on that mind, but some things are meant to be private, especially some emotions. And those are for me to keep to myself and maybe one other person, but that all depends on who that person may be. It's really time to go now, though, kids.
Thank you guys for listening. I love you.
Mah-tee
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Born. This. Way.
So Android has a Blogger app now, and I've had it for a bit, but didn't bother trying to post. So, now's my chance, while I lay on the couch with a major migraine.
In all seriousness, though, some things have been on my mind lately. Those uninformed, Michael and I have hit some tough spots in the past 4 years. The final "nail in the coffin" so to speak is when that 4 year anniversary just kinda comes and goes, and neither of the 2 of us acknowledge it. Once that happened, it kinda confirmed for me its time for us to work on our own individual lives.
Michael said he works a lot, and has no time for a boyfriend. Which is true, I rarely see him as it is. So I guess its an amicable 'stalemate' sorta? I don't know how best to describe it. We have been going on separate paths for a long time now. I've abstained from sex with him or otherwise, for the most part. I did meet someone almost a month ago, younger than me, and I did let my guard down, and let him in. I ended up getting hurt, which sucks, but I guess there's not much that can be said. I kinda don't want to relive it, but he does still want to stay friends. But whatever. I don't have time to wait for people forever.
I, however, also had a blast from the past. Now, no one that reads my Blogger knew me in my Junior year of high school, 2002-03. I was a huge ball of emotional mess back then. I dug through old entries now even.
In the early summer/late spring of 03, a year after I met and dated my first boyfriend Larry, I met Shane. We dated briefly, and I didn't even put much on my LiveJournal (I checked, naturally, reliving the past again). I started to go back to that 16 year old boy just reading those, but we split, on rather bad terms, I didn't bring him up much. Fast forward to the past 2 weeks, where I did get to catch up with (a very hesitant) Shane. He is so grown up now. And the sad part, I posted something in LiveJournal I'm going to repost here, its truly how I felt then, and even to a small extent now:
May 14th, 2003
Oh, and i'm not leaving Shane behind. Shane's still an important person. I hope he knows that. He's like, supposedly moving to Mt. Washington, in Pittsburgh =\. I can't handle ANOTHER long-distance relationship. But i really care about Shane. I don't want to sound TOO optimistic, but i really hope sumthing comes of us. But knowing my chances, he'll find sum1 else. He wants to live his life down in the Allegheny/Beaver county area, and well, if it doesn't include me, then i understand.
Wow. 8 years later and what a difference. I'm not delving into his personal life, but he is in a very good spot in his life now. That's how I should leave it.
A mouse just emerged from under my basement door. Lovely. How the hell are they getting back in, I thought we fixed that 3 years ago? Damn mice.
Anyway, so I can check off Shane, Michael and the short lived Devin interest. But looking back, I see a lot of MY mistakes as a 16 year old kid. Some of which Devin was repeating. It was a disaster from the beginning, just waiting to happen. But we learn from these mistakes, right?
I recently got started talking deeply with quite a few people.
At the end of February I received tax money, and bought a year's worth of Xbox Live. I figured why not, Michael plays Call of Duty a lot, I might as well join in the fun. After a week or so I deliberated about getting my own Xbox. Well, I picked up a 250GB Xbox 360 Slim model, the new ones. I'm so happy. I bought Call of Duty Black Ops, and the first map pack, as well as Tomb Raider Legend and Anniversay, and finally completed Tomb Raider Underworld. Then I picked up Fallout 3 and played through a large portion of it. Now, Grand Theft Auto IV has been my muse, I bought the downloadable version and both episodes, so that Michael and I can play multiplayer together when he does have days off.
But the interesting part was Call of Duty. I got into multiplayer heavily, thanks to my 15 year old sister Caitlin, and my 13 year old brother Patrick. I started playing with our old roommate's brother, Timmy, and his cousins, eventually befriending a lot of them. Timmy loves bacon, and we made up the BACN clan tag for all of us to show with pride. Caitlin introduced some new guys she knew in, one of which was Mikey.
Now, Mikey and Timmy have become my best friends. We play Black Ops MP and Zombies together almost every day (when I'm not sucked into GTA IV), and I've confided in them for everything. Timmy worries because Michael doesn't treat me right, he got upset because Devin's actions caused me to have a bout of depression, and Mikey even was putting me in check if I got over the top. These guys, straight as they are, are my best friends. I'm so glad to have them, even if Mikey is clear in Arkansas, and Timmy has a busy life and just wants to unwind not walk the 45 minutes to come chill and play Xbox. His brother Brandon still pops in every now and then, as recent as last night even. But they are there for me, more than my gay friends ever were most of the time. Josh and Chris are still my best gay friends, and I still talk to them about what's going on when they have free time. Devin and I still talk as friends, and he's still a great person to talk to, so I can't discount him.
Oddly, though, I have a blossoming friendship from across state happening right now. Chad. We met randomly on Twitter or Facebook after I got my Chrome notebook from Google, because he was jealous. He showed me his music video he made in an attempt to get Google to send him one. I wonder if I have anyone I can talk to that might make that happen for him...
Anyway, the past two days I kinda just gushed to him a lot of what's been going on, and he knows I appreciate it, and will listen when he needs to vent (as he did earlier). He used to live in Pittsburgh for post secondary education, and he has a group of people he knows back here that we have in common. Its rather eerie, actually. But regardless, he did want to ponder over my blog entries, possibly even my journal entries from long years past. I admit, I don't post much anymore, maybe now is the time? Stop bottling things up, or gushing them to people who do care and only getting one or two opinions.
I'm still battling with codependency, as the Devin situation proved to me. I want to help people, yet I can't help myself. It sucks. I need to fix it. But there's no medication, there's no healthcare other than self-correction. I have my selfhelp audiobook, Codependent No More, and I do listen to chapters every now and then. But its a matter of gaining solid footing on the shaky ground that is life. I need a mentor, a life coach. But that's not such an easy thing to find. My friends are amazing, and a great help. But sometimes they can be enablers. Michael told me to marry Devin. Timmy told me to "husband him up". That just made things worse, I know it. I should have known it then. But I'm gonna be 25 this summer. I have been in 2 long term relationships since I turned 18. The desire for someone to hold next to me when I go to bed at night is at its highest. I fell very, VERY alone. Even with my dog curled up next to me. I can't sleep because I'm home alone. Michael got a hotel room since he's working 30 hours in 2 days. At least when he's home I feel safer.
I still don't have a car, though I have just under $1000 I can put on one in Ohio if I ever get there. That will make my life that much easier to live. But first I have to get to Ohio. Volunteers?
It's 4:21am, I have Mr Lonely from Deborah Cox blasting on my Xbox, maybe its time for bed. Maybe things will be much clearer in the morning. I sure hope so.
I want to wish everyone a good night, and I will see the Blogger world more often, I hope.
Matty, Mah-tee, Matt, Matthew (whatever you know me by) ;-)
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thoughts on February 25th, 2011
Today is an important day in many ways...
As I posted on my Facebook, "On this chilly winter day, Feb 25th, in 1921, 90 years ago, in a farmhouse in Bedford County, PA, my great-grandma was born. She has been the rock in my family every time tragedy struck. When her husband died, I was born 2 months later, and earlier she told me that I was the good thing that made life better then. She took me in when seemingly no one else would. I love her so much, and felt like honoring her today."
She was there for me when my mom gave me up at the age of 2, and took me in and raised me as her own. She raised her 4 grandchildren, my aunts Tammy and Stacey, my deceased father, and my deceased uncle, David. She also had 2 children of her own, my grandmother, and my deceased great-aunt Erma. Tragedy struck with my uncle, my father, my great-aunt, my aunt Stacey's 3 bouts of cancer, and my aunt Tammy's roller-coaster of random health issues. She lost her brother this past year to colon cancer.
My great-grandmother lived through her husband serving in Germany during World War II, as well as the Korean War, Vietnam War, Operation Desert Storm, and our war on Terrorism. She also lived through 2 of the greatest presidents that ever served, FDR and JFK. She's seen a LOT in the past 90 years. But most importantly, she was there for me while I was growing up. She's been there for me since I moved out in early 2007, helping me through tough financial times. We've laughed together, we've cried together. She's told me stories of the past, the war, everything I ever wanted to know about. No one can say how long she has left to live. But she's in fantastic health, often times better than my grandmother, even my aunts. It's a testament to her endurance as the matriarch of our family. She stands alone as the Queen, nothing bad could be said of her, she could do no wrong. She may live to see 100, which would be fantastic. She lived through congestive heart failure (and has been off the oxygen that she was once required to have for a very long time), and this past year she had a bleeding stomach ulcer that was almost uncontrollable due to the blood thinners she was given for congestive heart failure. But she's strong, always has been, always will be. I look up to her, I love her. To me, she is my mother.
I love you, Grandma.
As I posted on my Facebook, "On this chilly winter day, Feb 25th, in 1921, 90 years ago, in a farmhouse in Bedford County, PA, my great-grandma was born. She has been the rock in my family every time tragedy struck. When her husband died, I was born 2 months later, and earlier she told me that I was the good thing that made life better then. She took me in when seemingly no one else would. I love her so much, and felt like honoring her today."
She was there for me when my mom gave me up at the age of 2, and took me in and raised me as her own. She raised her 4 grandchildren, my aunts Tammy and Stacey, my deceased father, and my deceased uncle, David. She also had 2 children of her own, my grandmother, and my deceased great-aunt Erma. Tragedy struck with my uncle, my father, my great-aunt, my aunt Stacey's 3 bouts of cancer, and my aunt Tammy's roller-coaster of random health issues. She lost her brother this past year to colon cancer.
My great-grandmother lived through her husband serving in Germany during World War II, as well as the Korean War, Vietnam War, Operation Desert Storm, and our war on Terrorism. She also lived through 2 of the greatest presidents that ever served, FDR and JFK. She's seen a LOT in the past 90 years. But most importantly, she was there for me while I was growing up. She's been there for me since I moved out in early 2007, helping me through tough financial times. We've laughed together, we've cried together. She's told me stories of the past, the war, everything I ever wanted to know about. No one can say how long she has left to live. But she's in fantastic health, often times better than my grandmother, even my aunts. It's a testament to her endurance as the matriarch of our family. She stands alone as the Queen, nothing bad could be said of her, she could do no wrong. She may live to see 100, which would be fantastic. She lived through congestive heart failure (and has been off the oxygen that she was once required to have for a very long time), and this past year she had a bleeding stomach ulcer that was almost uncontrollable due to the blood thinners she was given for congestive heart failure. But she's strong, always has been, always will be. I look up to her, I love her. To me, she is my mother.
I love you, Grandma.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The past shall lay in the past, unless... you're me
I have something horribly bothering me lately. But I can't be 100% sure where to start. I mean I do know where to start, but can I do it without making a fool out of myself? Can I do it without losing any friends in the process? Can I do it without hurting those closest to me? Who is left anyway...
This past week has been a roller coaster. From emotions (and a blog post I never did end up posting, it's still in my drafts on Blogger) to my whole life trying to come full circle. In the past 8 days I have gone from being depressed and feeling that I at least belonged somewhere and with someone, to being madly... well just mad... not like angry mad, but lost my mind mad... like Mad Hatter mad. I literally lost my whole goal in life, or maybe it wasn't my goal but rather my logical direction. Yeah... logical direction......
Well that sounded good when I typed it anyway. So here it is, 20 minutes til noon as I type this, and think about what I typed on my Facebook wall. I think back to the days of Open Diary, LiveJournal, and MySpace blog posts, and think about what I used to talk about, as I shouted into the ether of the internet, in hopes that someone would listen, and someone would actually have some good advice for me, or maybe, just maybe, the one person I mentioned or eluded to in my blog post, would actually read it and contact me saying "hey, I read your post..." Well it rarely ever happens that way... But I'm gonna do it anyway.
Last week or maybe 2 weeks ago now, I started getting the itch to go out to the clubs again. Maybe it was me listening to music from my past. Maybe it wasn't. Who knows. I just know that I had this real hardcore desire to go to a nightclub, take off my shirt, and "Dance in the Dark". For hours... maybe have a drink or 2. Jump into a giant ball of foam. I don't know, just something to relive the thumping, vibrating, pulsing heartbeat that is the dance club scene.
When I was 16 I met people online mostly, because none of my friends in school could relate to me being gay. I met these guys, roommates, Tony and Mike. They ended up taking me to the Interbelt Nite Club in Akron, Ohio. Yeah, fun times there... I really had a blast the few times I went. And eventually, upon my 18th birthday in 2004, that became one of my primary hangouts. I even had 2 or 3 years of VIP membership. Yep, pays to know the right people (and date a stripper).
So that covers my love for the clubs, and why I started wanting to go back. Sort of. Last week I also found myself on the Interbelt's website, and dug through photo archives, and found a bunch of photos of me and my ex, Anthony, when we would go out for special parties at the Interbelt. White party, Mardi Gras. It was all coming back to me, with more and more force. That thumping of the wall of speakers, where I'd dance right up near them, I could feel it in my bones. I wanted so badly to just go back. In addition, my friend Daniel, whom I hadn't talked to in 4 years, reappeared out of nowhere. He had sent me a message online, asking how I was. I became rather excited to catch back up with him. When I was 16, I lost my virginity to his boyfriend at the time, Rick, with Daniel right there. (I don't want to hear a single person critique that! I was a 16 year old, I needed to make my sexual expression!) So we had really lost touch, largely due to their relationship, and living in the greater Akron area, whereas I was 40 minutes or so away in Youngstown. I noticed in the Interbelt photo archive hunt that there were a few nights we were there at the same time. Ah, memories...
Well as I continued my ongoing week of reliving old memories, I found images on the Interbelt website from December 23, 2006. On that night, I was with Anthony and Bryan. I eventually ended up dating Bryan briefly, even after we had first met in the same time period in 2004 and nearly dated back then. It was then that I decided to check on Facebook for Bryan, and found him, and decided to add him. A matter of only a few days later, Bryan called me from Arizona, to say hello, and catch up after 4 years of losing contact. We spent 2 and a half hours on the phone one night, and 2 and a half hours again 2 nights later. It was great to reconnect and see where each other is and how we're doing.
But that wasn't all. A couple months ago, my ex John let me know that he found old pictures in his email from my senior prom. Senior prom in 2004 was so important for me. At the time, I was seeing an amazing guy, named Adam, and we shared some good times together. He was 20, I was 17, and looking back at that time of my life, I barely remember most of my day-to-day activities. I know that when I finally decided I was taking Adam to prom, it was the most important night of my high school career, and probably my life up to that point. My high school wasn't exactly a forward-thinking school, and since prom tickets were distributed as per-couple, it was $55 a couple. My best friend at the time, Angel, and her younger sister, both wanted to go to prom, so we decided (since it was Junior-Senior only with a date of any class level) that Angel would take Adam, and I would take her sister. After our entry through the door, and taking the Breathalyzer (yeah, they were that strict that year), we swapped dates, and entered the beauty of Shanghai Nights. I believe there were 400 students in attendance that night, but I could never be sure. The looks were rather irritating, but we still had fun. As that night keeps coming back to me slowly, I remember the fact that even my grandmother supported me taking Adam. She even let him spend the night that night, and let him have my father's bedroom. That night was such a wonderful night, the dancing, the food, the friends, just us, together, at prom. The photos that I took were few, but were still great to have. We looked so amazing that night, and ended it all with an amazing chance to sit and talk. That night, almost regrettably now, he and I got caught in the moment, and it ended up being a special night for us, especially for him. So special, he freaked out and left the next morning, and we ended up in a dissolved relationship. Did I push too hard?
Well, today, out of complete irony, I noticed that Adam had posted on his Facebook that he got a snow day off school for the ice. I figured I'd send him an IM and ask how he's loving the weather. We chatted for a while, and touched on all the subjects that I really shouldn't have brought up. It's been 6 years, it's all over, what closure was to be made? Well, he said he admits we did have good times together. He admitted that he freaked out because he was a virgin up til my prom. He helped me really put the cork in the bottle and close that chapter of my life.
But.... part of me really wishes that part of my life never closed. He's moved on, as he should have, and so should I. As he said earlier, don't regret anything from your past, it just ends up being a waste of time. And yeah, it definitely would become a waste of time to mull over regrets. But I was only 17, I can't really regret anything, we all make mistakes, we all learn from them. It's just one of those things... You accept and move on.
But moving on, it's really hard to do. As I look back, I never appropriately did that. John, Anthony, Steve, Bryan, and then to Michael, yeah that was a mess... a whole ton of codependency, a lot of crazy... Nothing good was going on in my head during any of those times. My own mental health has been a roller coaster over the many years. But one thing I learned in the middle of visiting a counselor for my codependency, was that I need to stop worrying about how I can make others' lives better, but think about myself. Most would consider that selfish, I consider it now as essential to making a happier and healthier life.
What does all this typing do to help me though? Well, sure, I shout into the ether of the internet, and it mostly gets swallowed up by other things, like the political crisis in Egypt, or the massive winter storm rolling across the country right now. But at least I get everything off my chest, and can absorb comments from others. I'll even cross-post this to Facebook (maybe) to see what I can have come from it all. Maybe someone knows something that can help me make sense, because today I did decide to make a series of wall posts after talking to Adam. Here they are, as my closing for this post.
What a crazy past I've had. Spent the last few hours regaling old tales from back in the day... Wow, there are times I really do miss things, places, and people. Has my life really come to this point? Where I miss things from the past? Where I want so badly to be that 16 or 17 year old Matthew, living in Boardman with Grandma, not a bit of responsibility? Why is my life coming to this? I know they say it's not healthy to want the past back. It's regression. It's undoing many important things that have been learned over the years. It's regrets that should never be regretted. You can't get certain experiences to be relived, but I want to so badly. Is it Michael? Or Anthony? Or John? Or Larry? Or is it just Dad. I miss you, daddy. Gonna be 12 years this year. Some days I want you back here... I know in my heart, it's not just Dad. He comes up now and then, and High School would never have been the same if he were alive. But I know who it is. I know where HE is. But when the times have come to me being lost in where I am, and who I am, I have no one to turn to. I barely know HIM. I need to give HIM up. HE's like a drug. But WHY?! Is it that old high school infatuation and obsession coming back? There's a few people who've been in HIS place, they're friends of mine on FB. They know, they've seen. I feel bad for what I did to them. I'll get thru this. I always do. But will the me of the past come back? Where did Matthew go? When he wanted badly to go by Danny? The fun, extroverted, social butterfly, absolutely spontaneous, crazy Matthew, who disappeared 5, maybe 6 years ago. He's been gone, and wants back. Did that Matthew, or Danny, go help the Hurricane Katrina victims and never come back? Sometimes I wonder if maybe that's what happened. I want to steal back my childhood, teenhood, and early 20's. But where do I steal it back from? The cigarettes? The kids from High School? My mother? The Ohio drag community? The night club owners? The bartenders? Who stole ME from me? And why? Let ME come back... I should at least thank Adam Payne for the chat earlier. Brings a little closure to at least one chapter of my storied history, albeit 6 years ago. Please don't be a stranger. You're my last connection to that part of my past.
This past week has been a roller coaster. From emotions (and a blog post I never did end up posting, it's still in my drafts on Blogger) to my whole life trying to come full circle. In the past 8 days I have gone from being depressed and feeling that I at least belonged somewhere and with someone, to being madly... well just mad... not like angry mad, but lost my mind mad... like Mad Hatter mad. I literally lost my whole goal in life, or maybe it wasn't my goal but rather my logical direction. Yeah... logical direction......
Well that sounded good when I typed it anyway. So here it is, 20 minutes til noon as I type this, and think about what I typed on my Facebook wall. I think back to the days of Open Diary, LiveJournal, and MySpace blog posts, and think about what I used to talk about, as I shouted into the ether of the internet, in hopes that someone would listen, and someone would actually have some good advice for me, or maybe, just maybe, the one person I mentioned or eluded to in my blog post, would actually read it and contact me saying "hey, I read your post..." Well it rarely ever happens that way... But I'm gonna do it anyway.
Last week or maybe 2 weeks ago now, I started getting the itch to go out to the clubs again. Maybe it was me listening to music from my past. Maybe it wasn't. Who knows. I just know that I had this real hardcore desire to go to a nightclub, take off my shirt, and "Dance in the Dark". For hours... maybe have a drink or 2. Jump into a giant ball of foam. I don't know, just something to relive the thumping, vibrating, pulsing heartbeat that is the dance club scene.
When I was 16 I met people online mostly, because none of my friends in school could relate to me being gay. I met these guys, roommates, Tony and Mike. They ended up taking me to the Interbelt Nite Club in Akron, Ohio. Yeah, fun times there... I really had a blast the few times I went. And eventually, upon my 18th birthday in 2004, that became one of my primary hangouts. I even had 2 or 3 years of VIP membership. Yep, pays to know the right people (and date a stripper).
So that covers my love for the clubs, and why I started wanting to go back. Sort of. Last week I also found myself on the Interbelt's website, and dug through photo archives, and found a bunch of photos of me and my ex, Anthony, when we would go out for special parties at the Interbelt. White party, Mardi Gras. It was all coming back to me, with more and more force. That thumping of the wall of speakers, where I'd dance right up near them, I could feel it in my bones. I wanted so badly to just go back. In addition, my friend Daniel, whom I hadn't talked to in 4 years, reappeared out of nowhere. He had sent me a message online, asking how I was. I became rather excited to catch back up with him. When I was 16, I lost my virginity to his boyfriend at the time, Rick, with Daniel right there. (I don't want to hear a single person critique that! I was a 16 year old, I needed to make my sexual expression!) So we had really lost touch, largely due to their relationship, and living in the greater Akron area, whereas I was 40 minutes or so away in Youngstown. I noticed in the Interbelt photo archive hunt that there were a few nights we were there at the same time. Ah, memories...
Well as I continued my ongoing week of reliving old memories, I found images on the Interbelt website from December 23, 2006. On that night, I was with Anthony and Bryan. I eventually ended up dating Bryan briefly, even after we had first met in the same time period in 2004 and nearly dated back then. It was then that I decided to check on Facebook for Bryan, and found him, and decided to add him. A matter of only a few days later, Bryan called me from Arizona, to say hello, and catch up after 4 years of losing contact. We spent 2 and a half hours on the phone one night, and 2 and a half hours again 2 nights later. It was great to reconnect and see where each other is and how we're doing.
But that wasn't all. A couple months ago, my ex John let me know that he found old pictures in his email from my senior prom. Senior prom in 2004 was so important for me. At the time, I was seeing an amazing guy, named Adam, and we shared some good times together. He was 20, I was 17, and looking back at that time of my life, I barely remember most of my day-to-day activities. I know that when I finally decided I was taking Adam to prom, it was the most important night of my high school career, and probably my life up to that point. My high school wasn't exactly a forward-thinking school, and since prom tickets were distributed as per-couple, it was $55 a couple. My best friend at the time, Angel, and her younger sister, both wanted to go to prom, so we decided (since it was Junior-Senior only with a date of any class level) that Angel would take Adam, and I would take her sister. After our entry through the door, and taking the Breathalyzer (yeah, they were that strict that year), we swapped dates, and entered the beauty of Shanghai Nights. I believe there were 400 students in attendance that night, but I could never be sure. The looks were rather irritating, but we still had fun. As that night keeps coming back to me slowly, I remember the fact that even my grandmother supported me taking Adam. She even let him spend the night that night, and let him have my father's bedroom. That night was such a wonderful night, the dancing, the food, the friends, just us, together, at prom. The photos that I took were few, but were still great to have. We looked so amazing that night, and ended it all with an amazing chance to sit and talk. That night, almost regrettably now, he and I got caught in the moment, and it ended up being a special night for us, especially for him. So special, he freaked out and left the next morning, and we ended up in a dissolved relationship. Did I push too hard?
Well, today, out of complete irony, I noticed that Adam had posted on his Facebook that he got a snow day off school for the ice. I figured I'd send him an IM and ask how he's loving the weather. We chatted for a while, and touched on all the subjects that I really shouldn't have brought up. It's been 6 years, it's all over, what closure was to be made? Well, he said he admits we did have good times together. He admitted that he freaked out because he was a virgin up til my prom. He helped me really put the cork in the bottle and close that chapter of my life.
But.... part of me really wishes that part of my life never closed. He's moved on, as he should have, and so should I. As he said earlier, don't regret anything from your past, it just ends up being a waste of time. And yeah, it definitely would become a waste of time to mull over regrets. But I was only 17, I can't really regret anything, we all make mistakes, we all learn from them. It's just one of those things... You accept and move on.
But moving on, it's really hard to do. As I look back, I never appropriately did that. John, Anthony, Steve, Bryan, and then to Michael, yeah that was a mess... a whole ton of codependency, a lot of crazy... Nothing good was going on in my head during any of those times. My own mental health has been a roller coaster over the many years. But one thing I learned in the middle of visiting a counselor for my codependency, was that I need to stop worrying about how I can make others' lives better, but think about myself. Most would consider that selfish, I consider it now as essential to making a happier and healthier life.
What does all this typing do to help me though? Well, sure, I shout into the ether of the internet, and it mostly gets swallowed up by other things, like the political crisis in Egypt, or the massive winter storm rolling across the country right now. But at least I get everything off my chest, and can absorb comments from others. I'll even cross-post this to Facebook (maybe) to see what I can have come from it all. Maybe someone knows something that can help me make sense, because today I did decide to make a series of wall posts after talking to Adam. Here they are, as my closing for this post.
What a crazy past I've had. Spent the last few hours regaling old tales from back in the day... Wow, there are times I really do miss things, places, and people. Has my life really come to this point? Where I miss things from the past? Where I want so badly to be that 16 or 17 year old Matthew, living in Boardman with Grandma, not a bit of responsibility? Why is my life coming to this? I know they say it's not healthy to want the past back. It's regression. It's undoing many important things that have been learned over the years. It's regrets that should never be regretted. You can't get certain experiences to be relived, but I want to so badly. Is it Michael? Or Anthony? Or John? Or Larry? Or is it just Dad. I miss you, daddy. Gonna be 12 years this year. Some days I want you back here... I know in my heart, it's not just Dad. He comes up now and then, and High School would never have been the same if he were alive. But I know who it is. I know where HE is. But when the times have come to me being lost in where I am, and who I am, I have no one to turn to. I barely know HIM. I need to give HIM up. HE's like a drug. But WHY?! Is it that old high school infatuation and obsession coming back? There's a few people who've been in HIS place, they're friends of mine on FB. They know, they've seen. I feel bad for what I did to them. I'll get thru this. I always do. But will the me of the past come back? Where did Matthew go? When he wanted badly to go by Danny? The fun, extroverted, social butterfly, absolutely spontaneous, crazy Matthew, who disappeared 5, maybe 6 years ago. He's been gone, and wants back. Did that Matthew, or Danny, go help the Hurricane Katrina victims and never come back? Sometimes I wonder if maybe that's what happened. I want to steal back my childhood, teenhood, and early 20's. But where do I steal it back from? The cigarettes? The kids from High School? My mother? The Ohio drag community? The night club owners? The bartenders? Who stole ME from me? And why? Let ME come back... I should at least thank Adam Payne for the chat earlier. Brings a little closure to at least one chapter of my storied history, albeit 6 years ago. Please don't be a stranger. You're my last connection to that part of my past.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Transit in the Pittsburgh Metro Area
It's 1-11-2011. Today, I feel like elaborating a bit on an issue/discussion that started on Twitter between @TransitGuru, @bus15237 and myself.
Port Authority has had a rough year, having a major 50+ million dollar deficit in funding for this fiscal year. In the fall they began threatening to cut 35% of their routes, which included the 55 (runs through Glassport, where I live), along with the 25 (which goes to Robert Morris University, where I briefly attended classes, and where my partner Michael has worked for 2 years now).
Previously cuts to public transit hasn't had an effect on me, I grew up in Youngstown, Ohio where the WRTA bus was not something ANYONE would ride, partly due to limited service, partly due to safety concerns. Michael, however, grew up in Columbus, Ohio, where the COTA system is (in his opinion) very efficient. I know nothing of the COTA system other than what he has said. Regardless, at 18 I had my first car, by 19 I had wrecked it, had another one, then bought a 2002 Pontiac Grand Am in Jan of 2007. I moved to New Philadelphia, Ohio, where Michael lived when we got together, where public transit is unheard of. Michael at the time was under a 7 year suspension of his driving privileges, and I drove everywhere.
On Friday, July 13, 2007 he fell down the stairs at our apartment, and his right wrist was lacerated to the bone, tendons, arteries, nerves, all severed. He was life-flighted to Akron, $30,000+, 6 hour surgery later and things were reattached, but there was no promise he'd ever get feeling back in his hand. At the time he was a press operator for nearly 3 years at Robin Industries in the middle of Amish country. He loved his job, he was good at his job, and he made good money, 5-600 a week. That accident took a lot away from him, and as a consequence, me as well. Slowly we couldn't afford our living situation, had my ex move in with us, then Michael's mother, who subsequently passed on January 31, 2008. Michael was devastated, as was I. While we tried to pick up the pieces during all of this, our economy collapsed. Tuscarawas County in Ohio had nothing in the line of jobs. The time came where we stared at an eviction notice.
Were it not for my friend of 6 years, someone who is like a father to me, Keith, we would have had a bad situation, neither of us with a home to go to, possibly turning to family for a place to stay. Keith owned a piece of property, half of a duplex in the Boro of Glassport, 30 minutes southeast of Pittsburgh. That property had over $20,000 in back-due taxes from the prior owners never paying it after their family member they inherited it from, had passed on. Keith paid $1000 for it. We paid the same, though not all to Keith. The additional $1000 came in a ton of renovations Michael and his brother put into the place prior to, and after Michael and I moved in, calling this very structure our home. The beginning of a new life for us. No rent, just payments on back-due taxes, and the regular utility bills.
As we prepared to sign the deed, I was involved in an accident outside Columbus, after visiting Michael's family. My Grand Am was totaled. My grandmother, God bless her to this day, wrote a $5000 check off her credit card to buy a 2002 Saturn SC2 so that I had a car when we moved. That car continued a long tradition that I've always had a car since leaving my grandmother's in 2007.
After our move-in on June 1st, 2008, I worked briefly at the local pizza shop delivering pizzas, one of my favorite job positions, and the best one for me. Come August 1st, Michael got a proposition online from Integrative Staffing in Moon Township, by the airport, an hour drive away, to work at Premier Pan in Glenwillard (nearby). I agreed I'd take him to work, as I always had done when he worked at Robin. A matter of days later, I was contacted by TechUSA for a project involving the Pittsburgh Public Schools installing new computers. The times worked perfect, Michael worked at 6am, I worked at 8-8:30am. That lasted til September 26th, 2008 when my project was complete, and the next day Michael was let go from Premier Pan. He couldn't keep up the pace due to his wrist injury.
October of that year the stock market took a nose-dive, but luckily Michael was propositioned from the temp agency to work at Robert Morris University as a dishwasher/dining room attendant in the cafe. That job he has worked extremely hard at, and managed to be hired in fully by March 2009, and subsequently had his hours increased to nearly 65 hours most weeks. His shift was typically 4p-close, which was 12:30am or so. I had no problem taking him to work, and eventually during a snow storm, his boss asked me to stay after it took me nearly 3 hours to get him to work. From that point forward I was entitled to a sandwich and drink while I sat in the cafe and occupied myself on my laptop while Michael worked. There were no issues, he got to work, we saved over 60 miles worth of gas each day that I would have otherwise burnt off.
Enter 2010. I was registered as a student for spring semester at Robert Morris, and began classes. The snow storm snowed us in up at RMU, even, but Michael volunteered as the only one to work cashier that day, from 10am to 9pm in the cafeteria. He's devoted to his job, he LOVES his job. In March, my car suffered a horribly catastrophic death, the piston rod blew through the cylinder wall. We were officially screwed, confined to public transit. We began learning the routes, finding how long it would take, etc.
I dropped out of classes mid-semester, as it was too expensive (at 2.00 for Zone 1, 2.75 for Zone 2) to afford the both of us going out to Robert Morris. Summer hit, and his hours were 11am-6pm. Perfect for taking the bus both out and back. As the new school year approached, he wasn't as lucky. Back to the 4p-close shift, and the last bus out at the time was 9:00 or so. Finally, in September, the Port Authority changed routes, and the 25A became the 25, which only ran Mon-Fri until 7:30pm or so, and Saturdays only runs every 2 hours. Sundays, it would no longer run. Michael said he'd be okay, but I had to watch as he would go to work, then when he got off, walked nearly an hour to Sheetz on University Blvd., and waited out there until the G3's first inbound run at 5:03am. He'd be home around 7:30am every weekday morning. G3 doesn't run Saturdays, so he began either walking to Robinson, or Coraopolis, to catch a bus in either community. Sundays, he'd walk from Coraopolis to get to work, but was able to get a G3 on Monday morning after work.
Looking at all this, it's a tough spot. We get suggestions over and over to move closer to RMU. Not an option, the cost of living is far too expensive here to live in an apartment, not to mention our 2 chihuahuas, and our roommate/best friend. So the next, more logical option is to get a car. In Pennsylvania there is state-wide safety inspection, and county-wide emissions inspection. That cost, on top of cost for plates, and possibly required maintenance in order to pass the inspections, create a huge barrier for entry for anyone to own a car here. In addition, there's difference in car insurance, I'm insured by Nationwide in Youngstown, they don't cover Allegheny County, and I would lose a lot of my discounts (mult-car household, long-term customer from my grandmother, home-owners insurance bundled discount) and in PA there's a funeral provision that is required on policy holders, in addition to the change in garage address having a different rate based on local crime rates. My hometown of Boardman was cheaper than even New Philadelphia, which was virtually crime-free, something that amazed me.
So, what do we do? Continue using buses for now, begging and offering gas money for others to pick Michael up from work at night. But what about this funding crisis?
Port Authority received $45 million from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania to assist in the funding crisis, delaying the change in routes. The fares increased at the beginning of the year. The $6.25 to Robert Morris has gone up to around $7.50 now, or somewhere around there. Passes, while they do pay off quickly, are expensive. Especially compared to a car, and carpooling just negates the entire "benefit" of the passes. If 2 people are going to the same place, or nearby (like the job opportunities I've had to ignore up in Robinson because I don't have money to get there), it's far cheaper for them to ride together in a car, than to both pay separate fares on the bus.
Then there's the route changes. 15% service cuts expected in March, even after the $45 million bailout. Lovely, 55 and 25 are on the outskirts, so they will most likely be first on the list. While the 55 isn't of a ton of concern, as Michael and I have gotten accustomed to walking the 30 minutes to the bus stop for the 56, the 25 is essential to his route to work.
What are we to do? Complaints and filing official statements, like we did previously in the fall when Port Authority had a comment period, don't make any promises, and certainly can't stop the plans. One bus route for maybe 2 complaints won't make a difference to the Port Authority board and planners, who probably have never ridden a bus in their lives.
I haven't got much in closing, or even much summarizing I can do, other than saying that on Twitter, TransitGuru and I did go back and forth about funding, and the idea brought forth from TransitGuru of a vehicle mileage tax, whereby every year, as the example provided by bus15237, you pay $1 for every 1,000 miles traveled. That's around $20-30 for me, I easily put that many miles on my car. But that gives me more reason to keep my Ohio plates/license, instead of paying outrageous amounts for the "luxury" of having a personal vehicle. I'm sorry I want to be able to go wherever I want, whenever I want.
Port Authority has had a rough year, having a major 50+ million dollar deficit in funding for this fiscal year. In the fall they began threatening to cut 35% of their routes, which included the 55 (runs through Glassport, where I live), along with the 25 (which goes to Robert Morris University, where I briefly attended classes, and where my partner Michael has worked for 2 years now).
Previously cuts to public transit hasn't had an effect on me, I grew up in Youngstown, Ohio where the WRTA bus was not something ANYONE would ride, partly due to limited service, partly due to safety concerns. Michael, however, grew up in Columbus, Ohio, where the COTA system is (in his opinion) very efficient. I know nothing of the COTA system other than what he has said. Regardless, at 18 I had my first car, by 19 I had wrecked it, had another one, then bought a 2002 Pontiac Grand Am in Jan of 2007. I moved to New Philadelphia, Ohio, where Michael lived when we got together, where public transit is unheard of. Michael at the time was under a 7 year suspension of his driving privileges, and I drove everywhere.
On Friday, July 13, 2007 he fell down the stairs at our apartment, and his right wrist was lacerated to the bone, tendons, arteries, nerves, all severed. He was life-flighted to Akron, $30,000+, 6 hour surgery later and things were reattached, but there was no promise he'd ever get feeling back in his hand. At the time he was a press operator for nearly 3 years at Robin Industries in the middle of Amish country. He loved his job, he was good at his job, and he made good money, 5-600 a week. That accident took a lot away from him, and as a consequence, me as well. Slowly we couldn't afford our living situation, had my ex move in with us, then Michael's mother, who subsequently passed on January 31, 2008. Michael was devastated, as was I. While we tried to pick up the pieces during all of this, our economy collapsed. Tuscarawas County in Ohio had nothing in the line of jobs. The time came where we stared at an eviction notice.
Were it not for my friend of 6 years, someone who is like a father to me, Keith, we would have had a bad situation, neither of us with a home to go to, possibly turning to family for a place to stay. Keith owned a piece of property, half of a duplex in the Boro of Glassport, 30 minutes southeast of Pittsburgh. That property had over $20,000 in back-due taxes from the prior owners never paying it after their family member they inherited it from, had passed on. Keith paid $1000 for it. We paid the same, though not all to Keith. The additional $1000 came in a ton of renovations Michael and his brother put into the place prior to, and after Michael and I moved in, calling this very structure our home. The beginning of a new life for us. No rent, just payments on back-due taxes, and the regular utility bills.
As we prepared to sign the deed, I was involved in an accident outside Columbus, after visiting Michael's family. My Grand Am was totaled. My grandmother, God bless her to this day, wrote a $5000 check off her credit card to buy a 2002 Saturn SC2 so that I had a car when we moved. That car continued a long tradition that I've always had a car since leaving my grandmother's in 2007.
After our move-in on June 1st, 2008, I worked briefly at the local pizza shop delivering pizzas, one of my favorite job positions, and the best one for me. Come August 1st, Michael got a proposition online from Integrative Staffing in Moon Township, by the airport, an hour drive away, to work at Premier Pan in Glenwillard (nearby). I agreed I'd take him to work, as I always had done when he worked at Robin. A matter of days later, I was contacted by TechUSA for a project involving the Pittsburgh Public Schools installing new computers. The times worked perfect, Michael worked at 6am, I worked at 8-8:30am. That lasted til September 26th, 2008 when my project was complete, and the next day Michael was let go from Premier Pan. He couldn't keep up the pace due to his wrist injury.
October of that year the stock market took a nose-dive, but luckily Michael was propositioned from the temp agency to work at Robert Morris University as a dishwasher/dining room attendant in the cafe. That job he has worked extremely hard at, and managed to be hired in fully by March 2009, and subsequently had his hours increased to nearly 65 hours most weeks. His shift was typically 4p-close, which was 12:30am or so. I had no problem taking him to work, and eventually during a snow storm, his boss asked me to stay after it took me nearly 3 hours to get him to work. From that point forward I was entitled to a sandwich and drink while I sat in the cafe and occupied myself on my laptop while Michael worked. There were no issues, he got to work, we saved over 60 miles worth of gas each day that I would have otherwise burnt off.
Enter 2010. I was registered as a student for spring semester at Robert Morris, and began classes. The snow storm snowed us in up at RMU, even, but Michael volunteered as the only one to work cashier that day, from 10am to 9pm in the cafeteria. He's devoted to his job, he LOVES his job. In March, my car suffered a horribly catastrophic death, the piston rod blew through the cylinder wall. We were officially screwed, confined to public transit. We began learning the routes, finding how long it would take, etc.
I dropped out of classes mid-semester, as it was too expensive (at 2.00 for Zone 1, 2.75 for Zone 2) to afford the both of us going out to Robert Morris. Summer hit, and his hours were 11am-6pm. Perfect for taking the bus both out and back. As the new school year approached, he wasn't as lucky. Back to the 4p-close shift, and the last bus out at the time was 9:00 or so. Finally, in September, the Port Authority changed routes, and the 25A became the 25, which only ran Mon-Fri until 7:30pm or so, and Saturdays only runs every 2 hours. Sundays, it would no longer run. Michael said he'd be okay, but I had to watch as he would go to work, then when he got off, walked nearly an hour to Sheetz on University Blvd., and waited out there until the G3's first inbound run at 5:03am. He'd be home around 7:30am every weekday morning. G3 doesn't run Saturdays, so he began either walking to Robinson, or Coraopolis, to catch a bus in either community. Sundays, he'd walk from Coraopolis to get to work, but was able to get a G3 on Monday morning after work.
Looking at all this, it's a tough spot. We get suggestions over and over to move closer to RMU. Not an option, the cost of living is far too expensive here to live in an apartment, not to mention our 2 chihuahuas, and our roommate/best friend. So the next, more logical option is to get a car. In Pennsylvania there is state-wide safety inspection, and county-wide emissions inspection. That cost, on top of cost for plates, and possibly required maintenance in order to pass the inspections, create a huge barrier for entry for anyone to own a car here. In addition, there's difference in car insurance, I'm insured by Nationwide in Youngstown, they don't cover Allegheny County, and I would lose a lot of my discounts (mult-car household, long-term customer from my grandmother, home-owners insurance bundled discount) and in PA there's a funeral provision that is required on policy holders, in addition to the change in garage address having a different rate based on local crime rates. My hometown of Boardman was cheaper than even New Philadelphia, which was virtually crime-free, something that amazed me.
So, what do we do? Continue using buses for now, begging and offering gas money for others to pick Michael up from work at night. But what about this funding crisis?
Port Authority received $45 million from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania to assist in the funding crisis, delaying the change in routes. The fares increased at the beginning of the year. The $6.25 to Robert Morris has gone up to around $7.50 now, or somewhere around there. Passes, while they do pay off quickly, are expensive. Especially compared to a car, and carpooling just negates the entire "benefit" of the passes. If 2 people are going to the same place, or nearby (like the job opportunities I've had to ignore up in Robinson because I don't have money to get there), it's far cheaper for them to ride together in a car, than to both pay separate fares on the bus.
Then there's the route changes. 15% service cuts expected in March, even after the $45 million bailout. Lovely, 55 and 25 are on the outskirts, so they will most likely be first on the list. While the 55 isn't of a ton of concern, as Michael and I have gotten accustomed to walking the 30 minutes to the bus stop for the 56, the 25 is essential to his route to work.
What are we to do? Complaints and filing official statements, like we did previously in the fall when Port Authority had a comment period, don't make any promises, and certainly can't stop the plans. One bus route for maybe 2 complaints won't make a difference to the Port Authority board and planners, who probably have never ridden a bus in their lives.
I haven't got much in closing, or even much summarizing I can do, other than saying that on Twitter, TransitGuru and I did go back and forth about funding, and the idea brought forth from TransitGuru of a vehicle mileage tax, whereby every year, as the example provided by bus15237, you pay $1 for every 1,000 miles traveled. That's around $20-30 for me, I easily put that many miles on my car. But that gives me more reason to keep my Ohio plates/license, instead of paying outrageous amounts for the "luxury" of having a personal vehicle. I'm sorry I want to be able to go wherever I want, whenever I want.
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